I am so attractive...

... to the weirdos.

I don't know how or why, but my blog attracts the strangest traffic. Each week brings me new laughs when I check my Google Analytics stats. It never gets old! Here's what has brought hits to my blog in the past couple weeks. I promise, these stats are for real. No words have been changed to protect the non-innocent.

"how to get my husband to adore me" - I'm so glad you asked. First, you must demand chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Men like to be bossed around, you know, buying tons of chocolate for their damsels in PMS distress. Next, you feed him lots of healthy stuff that he hates, like spinach and lentils and fish oil that's supposed to taste like pudding. Finally, make sure to leave many annoying comments on his blog. Husbands LOVE this. Wait, what? That will never work, you say? Mwahahahaha! Oh, but it does. Right, hon?

"how big is a mol" - perhaps a better question might be WHAT is a mol?

"find your soul song" - Hurry up soul, find it already!

"breast cancer awareness wah pedal" - Ok, now I don't think I've ever blogged about a wah-wah pedal. I totally should though. Wah-wah pedals are awesome. I don't have one, but it sure would be fun. Show of hands: who knew Crystal owns an electric guitar? Oh yes, I do! A gorgeous shiny one. I should take a picture. It sure would look even prettier with a wah-wah pedal, though I think a pink one might clash.

"do you want fries with that song" - I generally prefer my songs to be trans-fat free, thanks. Oh, what the heck? Sure, I'll take a small fry. Extra ketchup, please.

"crystal+blogspot" - I am the Crystal on blogspot?! I'm so glad you found me. *Whew!*

"making a meal out of a mole hole" - Thank you so much for ruining what little appetite I had left... never mind on those fries. You are so disturbing.

"a soul would have one mol" - Again with the mol?

"how to pronounce humuhumukununukuapua'a" - I wish I knew, but alas, I do not. I shall defer you to my father, expert in all things Hawaiian pig-nosed fish.

"why athletic shorts smell when i go outside" - Ummmm... perhaps a better question would be why did they invent showers?

"orange rotting fruit" - I have some rotting potatoes. Will that suffice?

"my life with this finger that song my soul" - The soul of mol that is be with toe.

"whats that song that goes butt naked sitting on the bathroom floor" - The song loves the American people. It did not go butt naked sitting on that bathroom floor.

I feel so dirty now. And very not hungry.

How big is a mole hole?

I couldn't tell ya, but apparently someone thinks my blog is the mole guru. Oh yes. It's another crazy Google keywords post. I mean, what else should I blog about? I've been trying to think of a topic for a week now. I've been a horrible blogger.

Sure, I could bore you with adoption stuff or jewelry stuff or how we were five minutes away from calling the police on Saturday and reporting a stolen truck, but isn't Google so much more entertaining? Ok maybe not, but Dustin stole my blog topic. So here we are, and here are a few of the many crazy keywords that have brought people to my blog in the past few weeks. Enjoy!

"shagadelic song" - Yeah, baby!

"how do i find a song if i know some words" - Well you certainly wouldn't type the words into Google... nope, that would be a total waste of time!

"all dreams have died" - Word.

"chain maille jokes" - You all know I love chain maille. But is it funny? Is it? Do you laugh at the chain maille? "Why did the Jens Pind cross the road?" That really is not working for me. Sorry.

"humuhumukununukuapua'a song" - humuhuha-huh? I think that's the Hawaiian pig nosed fish or something. Can Hawaiian pig nosed fish sing? Do they mount them on the wall and sell them online to people who enjoy tacky decor? *gasp* Are pig nosed fish really rednecks in disguise?!

"can i paint over shiny brass trim" - Oh, no. No no no! It's better if you end the relationship right here and now with a clean break and just rip out the fake, shiny fake brass stuff and replace it with nice brushed nickel. Just do it. DO IT. You'll thank me later. I promise.

"again and again before for me you metal" - Uuhhhhhh... riiiiiiight.

"the cutest earrings ever" - Can be found here.

"i have got soul but i am not solder" - Oh thank goodness! If my solder started talking to the Google, about its soul and stuff, I might get all scared. And then send it to the eternal firey pit of my torch flame.

"soul eat" - Eat, soul, eat. Eat now! Chicken soup, anyone?

"my mole is hanging off" - Dagnabit people, didn't we cover this last time?! What is it with you googlers trying to rip off your moles?!

"my soul is like a mole" - Is it hanging off? How big is its hole? Is it solder? Can I melt it? Is it hungry?

"i want to know how to spend the song in my decument" - Decument? Spend the song? In your decument? Crazy googler say whut? That is just so many levels of wrong. I'm speechless. Well, almost, anyway. Or not at all, really. But stating you're speechless implies - like no other phrase can - that a deep level of stunning stupidity has been unfortunately thrust upon your day. And that, dear bloggy friends, is exactly what has happened here. So you'll pardon my speechless-lessness, I'm sure. It's been a long week.

This could be a problem

I nearly woke my sleeping husband just now laughing out loud.

Keyword that linked to my blog this week:

"how to install a bathroom doorknob"

To whoever is looking for advice on this topic here on song of my soul... be afraid. Be very, very afraid. (And clothed. Very, very clothed.)

Thanks, Google. Your pagerank might have pooped on me, but you're always good for a laugh.

Gotta Love Google

Or, not so much.

I'm a bit miffed at Google at the moment. For some reason, my blog had a page rank of 4/10, and now it is 0/10. What the yahoo?! I thought it was a fluke at first, but it's been like this for a couple weeks now. I don't think I have been blacklisted, because, I mean, why? I haven't done anything Google-illegal.

My pages are still indexed. So... Google, not liking you too much right now. With those stats, I might as well start over with a whole new blog and my own domain. I was thinking about it and the main thing keeping me from it is losing my Google pagerank that took me two friggin years to get. *growl*

The one good thing Google is good for right now is a laugh. I use their Analytics thingamabop to track information on my blog and website. It comes in quite handy. I can see where people are from, what websites referred them here, and how long they stayed. But none of this is quite so entertaining as looking up the keyword searches that bring some people here.

"i hate teeth" - yeah? Me too! Or at least I hate my teeth. Though I must admit they do come in handy.

"easy mac white powder" - I have a feeling that this person was looking for confirmation that the white powder in his/her easy mac was not anthrax. Sorry I can neither confirm nor deny such matters. I can confirm, however, that easy mac is gross and not fit for human consumption, and that Annie's Mac & Cheese is the good stuff.

"funny description of tiny bathroom" - Oookay.

"i am a popular cheerleader" - Not so much!

"i fumble my words when i speak" - I, umm, uhh, errrr... but, you know... it's umm... yeah.

"how to choose my song before singing" - Glad to be of service!

"because you was a part of me because you was a part of my sole" - *blink, blink*

"acupuncture bruise afterwards" - Been there, done that.

"guess earrings" - Is Guess even still around? That is oh, so 90's.

"i call my soul" - I hope she answered.

"i gave you my soul, find song" - Find it, Google, find it now!

"i love my birthmark but the mole may be cancerous" - My blog can neither confirm nor deny this. Please seek medical attention.

"is ripping off moles safe" - My blog can neither confirm nor deny this. Please seek medical attention. And maybe some psychological help would be a good idea too.

"is it cool to have two earrings" - Why, yes. Yes it is. And you're in luck. My earrings come in pairs! Woo!

"meaning of a white elephant as a lawn ornament" - It means the British are coming. One if by land, two if by sea. Come on, people, watch your HGTV.

"soul is a four letter word" - Thank you, Mr. Obvious.

"crystal" - That's me!

My blog attracts some interesting attention. Eat that, Google, and shove it up your PageRank. (That sounds so nasty, yet makes so little sense.)

What interesting things have brought people to your site or blog?