Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Hey, at least I can laugh at myself, right?

I hereby nominate myself to receive the Almost Darwin Award of the year. Why, you ask? Well, perhaps I should start from the beginning...

As you probably already know, we are doing a mini remodel of our hall bathroom. We my husband and dad replaced the faucet, lighting, and toilet paper holder. Prior to this, we had some yucky looking cheap shiny stuff. Now we have brushed nickel everything. I painted the walls a lavender/gray and the trim a light cream. For some reason, every single freaking doorknob in this house is the shiny fake brass stuff. Have I mentioned before how much I HATE shiny fake brass household items? It is so not my style. I had the brilliant idea of changing them out one by one to match the brushed nickel things we have been installing over the past year. I decided that the bathroom was the perfect place to start, given its recent changes and the fact that the fake shiny brass one had not yet been put back on the door from when I painted it a few days ago.

Soo, off to Lowe's I go over the weekend to buy a lovely new doorknob. They are cheap, so I bought two - one for the bathroom and one for the linen closet across from the bathroom. My husband was sick all weekend and not up to helping me change it, and I decided on Monday that I would try to do it myself. I removed the fake shiny brass one, how hard could it be to put on a new brushed nickel one? HAH!

I had just finished scrubbing the front door outside, and I was overheated and in desperate need of a shower. So I headed towards the master bathroom. On the way, I saw that lovely new doorknob and it was just calling my name. "Cryyyyystal... CRYYYYSTAL!! You can install me yourself, you know!" I figured, well, now is as good a time as any, right? After all, it will only take a few minutes, and then I'll hop in the shower. Why my conscience didn't stop me from making this huge mistake, I will never know. I think my woman's intuition must have been thrown out with the ugly fake shiny brass stuff. Or perhaps I was born intuition-less. Either way, this lack of judgment has proven that I have somehow gone from graduating valedictorian of my high school class to the stupidest person still alive on the planet. I used to be smart. I promise. Does chocolate kill brain cells? Maybe I just ate too much.

I know what you're thinking: she must be overreacting. Why is it such a big deal to not be able to change a doorknob? Who cares? That's what men are for, right? Oh, but see, my story isn't even close to being finished yet...

I opened up the doorknob package and began to carefully study the instructions. I prided myself on opening the packaging with such care as to not rip it, and the fact that *I*, a woman, was going to actually read and follow the instructions, much unlike a man. I was going to install the strike plate first, but decided to do the knob instead. So I stuck the innards of it in the hole in the door. You know, the part with the piece that moves in and out - the piece that catches in the strike plate and causes the door to latch shut? I put that piece in first and was getting ready to put on the actual knobs when I had a stroke of genius. I figured that before I got too committed I ought to make sure it was going to line up correctly with the strike plate hole, so I pushed the door up against the door jamb. Ok, great, it looks like it will line up just fine. But did that satisfy me? Heck no, I wanted this thing done RIGHT. I had to be sure. Push. Click. The door was closed. Whew. It will work perfectly. Oh happy day!

I believe I failed to mention that at the point in which I "tested" the inner workings of this lovely new doorknob, I was actually in the bathroom. Remember, the actual knobs had not been put on at this time... just the innards. The part that causes the door to latch. Well, folks, the door latched and it latched WELL. It figures that the drunk aliens who designed and built my home actually did something right for a change (and just so my new readers know, that is not a racial comment. At least not a human racial comment. By "aliens" I mean the little green men that come from Mars... humans did not design my home.). I was trapped. In the bathroom. A teeny, tiny, windowless, claustrophobia-inducing bathroom. Without my cellphone. Hours from when my husband would come home from work. Hot. Sweaty. Hungry. Thirsty. Naked. Oh yes, did I fail to mention that part? I was buck freaking naked... on the way to take a shower, remember?

Bloggy friends, I panicked. Big time. I'm a phobic, you know, and claustrophobia is definitely one I experience. Can't breathe. Gonna puke. Tiny bathroom. No phone. No window. NO CLOTHES. *screams* - "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Oh boy, did I scream. Like a person trapped in a car about to fall off the edge of a cliff and burst into flames, did I scream. Like a germaphobic nerd about to get a swirly. And cried. Oh, did I cry. Cried and screamed and panicked. I was going to die in there, you know. My husband was going to come home a few hours later and find my lifeless, naked body trapped inside that coffin of a doorknobless room. And if I didn't die, I would at the very least lose whatever smidgen of sanity I had remaining. These thoughts ran through my head over and over, along with many others, such as:

*I wonder if I scream loud enough, will the neighbors hear and call 911? Then the cops could find my lifeless, naked body trapped in the bathroom.
*Is the bathroom just big enough for me to back up and ram into the door hard enough to break it without breaking me?
*Oh for pete's sake, I'm NAKED.
*There is NO chocolate in here!!

I was just about to sit my naked butt down on the cold, bare floor and resign myself to my fate when I glanced at the vanity and saw the key. No, not the key, but the key... channel lock pliers left here from when the men changed out the faucet. Oh, oh, oh! Surely the combination of my adrenaline fight-or-flight response and the heftiness of these pliers could help me out somehow, right? I determined that I would either rip apart and destroy the doorknob innnards enough to be able to open the door again, or I would start hacking away at the wall. I mean, yeah, we'd have a huge hole in the wall... but I would be free! And then later, we could, you know, buy a mini counter top and install a bar under the hole. What bathroom couldn't use a bar?

Luckily with a few really good tugs, I was able to perform doorknob surgery and mutilate its innards and walk out of the claustrophobia inducing bathroom into freedom. I was then naked and free! What a shame we won't get that bathroom bar though...

There are a lot of lessons to be learned here, bloggy friends.

One - I am obviously NOT made to do home renovations. At all. I will never attempt to do house stuff involving tools and doorknobs again. From here on out, I will commit my creative and handiwork skills solely to making beautiful jewelry. I'll leave the house junk to my husband and dad. Let THEM get locked in the bathroom naked. I mean, who does that?!

Two - never attempt bathroom renovations without a phone and chocolate in hand.

Three - never change a doorknob naked.

Four - never test a doorknob naked.

Five - never, ever, EVER call your husband afterwards and tell him your story so he can laugh his butt off at you.

Lovely new doorknob: $8.75
Pair of channel lock pliers: $20
Can of paint to fix the gouge in the door: $28
Funny story to tell your coworkers about your hot, naked wife locking herself in a tiny bathroom and ripping apart the doorknob innards to regain her sanity and freedom only to realize after the fact that the actual doorknob was probably laying on the sink the entire time and could have been used to open it like a, you know, sane person: priceless

I almost died, people! So the Almost Darwin Award of the year goes to... *drum roll*... *sigh*... me.


Anonymous said... That was HYSTERICAL. I laughed so hard...and then I got to the part where you are naked and I almost peed myself..I swear.
Oh...wait...I think I mean I'm sorry you locked yourself in the bathroom?
No...I thought about it again. That was HYSTERICAL.

The Rock Chick said...

Oh my gosh, Crystal...I am crying! You're right, this is absolutely PRICELESS!!!

I don't have a story even close to topping that one, but being a fellow phobic, I completely feel for you.

I can't even imagine what would be worse, though, being stuck in the bathroom or being rescued naked! Definitely a toss up!!!

I know its embarrasing, but thanks for sharing this!


Heidi @ GGIP said...

I block all my embarrassing moments from my memory.

I can imagine that I might do the same thing with a door knob, but I probably would be clothed and I probably wouldn't have freaked out so much;)

Jessica Morris said...

I almost peed myself too - SO funny!!
I have already blogged about my most embarrassing moment... when someone walked in our apartment when I was naked... what's with naked housewives?? haha

Chelsea Rae said...

oh... oh my goodness... that was the funnies thing ever! You have an awesome talent for taking a funny story and making it *pee your pants rolling on the floor* funny!! I can't say I have anything near that funny.

Stacy said...

Oh my goodness, I couldn't decide whether to laugh hysterically or feel sorry for you. I think I did both.
It must be the bathrooms- our best home repair story involves a bunch of water on the bathroom floor from a shutoff valve that didn't get turned all the way off.

This Eclectic Life said...

Oh my word! You are so dadgum funny. I love it. I know at the time it was happening, you weren't sitting there thinking, "This is bloggable...this is like, totally bloggable." But, oh honey, it is. Thanks for entering!

Robin said...

Oh man, I am in hysterics over here! That is so something I would have done too. Fabulous entry!!

Damien Riley said...

Hi Crystal, excellent telling here! Also great SHOWING. I feel like I know your bathroom!

You have a very funny style of writing. I plan to bookmark your site and come back again. This will be one of the fringe benefits of judging is that I found a great writer.

I would have ripped the innards out too, so don't let your husband laugh too hard ;) Great scary story.

-Damien ('here comes the judge' Riley! ;)

This Eclectic Life said...

Thanks again for entering the contest, Crystal! You are going into my Faves at Technorati.

Cyn said...

I am perusing the other contestants and this is absolutely hilarious. Good luck in the contest and I will put you in my reader.