Meet Horton

Meet Horton.

She's an elephant.




See?

Yes, this Horton is a she. (Notice all the purple.)

I don't think our Horton has heard a Who. Or a What. Or a Why, for that matter. But she has a Where, and that Where is at our house. In our nursery. On the new dresser - that took me months and months to pick - and will belong to our future-adopted-child-to-be. (No, we do not have any news.)



See?

(Dustin named her, by the way.)

Horton joined our little family a long time ago. She came to us from a cute little Etsy shop. I'm sure I bought her for a baby gift, but for some reason or other did not give her away. I ended up buying something else for the gift, and I don't remember What it was, or for Whom it was even bought. So Horton still resides in our little home, on her very own little Where, just waiting to make a friend.

Hopefully our future little Who will love her.

On Open Adoption

Here is an excellent blog post on open adoption.

And another one by the same person on what it is not.

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding open adoption. I know I had several myself going into the process. In fact, I was uncomfortable with it at the beginning of our journey, but just a little ways in I totally had a change of heart and desire it 100%.

Good posts. Read 'em!

Dear Baby...

A year or two ago, I found this pretty little journal at Target. I don't really journal, and I had no idea what I would do with it, but for some reason, it caught my eye. It was calling out to me, so despite the fact that I nearly choked at spending almost ten dollars on a blank book, I bought it. It sat on my bookshelf, looking all pretty, this whole time. Still blank. Without a purpose.

Tonight, laying in bed with the hubby, I decided to write a letter to our baby. Then my mind flashed over to the pretty little journal, and I knew what I had to do. The journal has now been turned into a Dear Baby book, and in it I will write letters to our child from now, pre-parenthood, until it is filled. I'd love for our child to see how much he or she has been wanted, how often we think of him or her, and how much love we have always had.

I wrote the first letter tonight. I thought I'd share it with you. It's special to me, and hopefully someday it will also be special to Baby.

Dear Baby,

It's hard to imagine the possibility of missing someone you haven't even met. But I do. Hi, it's me. Your mama. We haven't met yet, but we will. I crave that day like a root thirsts for water to nurture its very soul. To hold you, cuddle you to my chest and feel the rise and fall of your breath, counting and kissing every tiny finger and every tiny toe again and again. I can't wait to sing to you a lullaby and rock your gray skies away. I love you already. Find me quickly, little baby. I miss you so much.

I think about you often... about your future. What you will look like. Who you will become. Will you grow to be tall? Will you share your daddy's and my love of the arts? Will you excel in sports? Will you want to be a doctor? A preacher? A teacher? A husband or wife... mommy or daddy? I dream so big for you. I have high hopes for you. Whatever it is that you want out of life, I promise to do everything within my power to help you attain it. But right now, my dream is you. So find me quickly, little baby. I miss you so much.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, and whatever you grow up to become, your daddy and I cherish every breath of you. You have us wrapped around your little finger without even having to try. We've been waiting for you and ready for you for a very long time. We've loved you even longer. So find us quickly, little baby. We miss you so much.

Love,
Mama

Dear Birth Parent

As a part of our adoption profile (aka "scrapbook") we had to write letters to the birth parents. We wrote one as a couple then each wrote one individually. I had been dreading it for months and I'm so glad it's complete. See, our home study was approved this week and now we're legally able to adopt.

We mailed off our scrapbook to the agency's main office yesterday. Now it's just a matter of someone picking us. In most cases, we won't be told when our profile is viewed. We prayed over it before sending it, that God would bless each person who reads it and that the right one would choose us. I'm not sure what I feel right now. Not much, really. Defense mechanism, I'm sure. I don't think I'll be excited until that baby is in my arms.

Of course, right after it was sent, I was told that writing "dear birth parent" is offensive and not a good way to start the letters. However, this is what our agency recommended and they've been doing this for longer than I've been alive, so hopefully they did not steer us wrong. The case workers are going to review it when it arrives and offer suggestions for changes if any are needed. I be scared, y'all.

All in all, we ended up with 15 pages of pictures (the joint letter was integrated into two of the photo pages), our two letters (which are each about three pages long!) and a couple of pages that were pieces I wrote during this journey. I thought you might enjoy reading my letter. I took out the names of family members that may or may not like having their names out on the internet.

Anyway, here it is.

Dear Birth Parent,

First let me thank you again for allowing Dustin and I to open up our lives to you, and for considering our home for your child. I can't begin to know what you're feeling, nor can I guess at what brought you to the place you are now. I only wish I had some magical words to share that would bring you comfort, but what I do have are prayers for you and the little one you are carrying. I hope this book we've put together shows you who we are and the loving, supportive home we have to offer a child.

I've had a heart for adopting for almost as long as I can remember. I have a vivid memory of sitting on my high school best friend's bed one weekend, playing the board game "Life", daydreaming about what our futures would be like. How our husbands would look, how many children we'd have, what their names would be. She was raised by her mother and step father, and that had sparked a discussion about adoption. Of course, back then I was pretty clueless about the entire process, but it put a bug in my ear and a thought in my head that from that day on has been cultivated into a desire of my heart. When Dustin and I learned that we could not conceive a child, as devastating as that information was to me, after going through a period of grieving it also sort of clicked deep down. This is the road we're meant to travel. My desire to birth children melted away and in its place was the knowledge and peace that our family would grow purely by love rather than by blood.

Texas born and raised, I grew up in a stable and loving home with Christ as the foundation. I am an only child to Chris and Karen, who today remain two of my best friends and greatest inspirations. Married for well over thirty years now, they instilled in me many values that have helped to shape who I am. From a young age, I've had a deep love for God. My parents tell me that when I was a very small child, I would gaze through the car window at the sky and blow kisses to Him. I started singing to the Lord when I was little and have never stopped.

I had a happy childhood and many friends. I met one friend in particular when I was about three, and we remain friends today. We loved playing Barbies and My Little Pony. We used to get into all sorts of trouble, from putting on her mom's makeup to sitting under the table in a restaurant, crumbling up little packets of crackers onto the floor and quietly laughing to ourselves while the other restaurant patrons shot looks of horror at our unsuspecting parents. A few years later, we took ballet lessons together while we secretly crushed on church boys. Many years later, we cried tears of joy at each others' weddings.

I was home schooled from first through eighth grade and attended a Christian high school where I graduated Valedictorian with honors. My parents somehow managed to maintain a balance between pushing me to do my best and letting me have fun being the child I was. They expected me to work hard in school, but the drive that pushed me to the top was really all mine. That drive followed me to college, where I attended for two years with a major in computer science. It took that experience and two crazy but cool professors for me to realize that my true love lies in the arts. Writing, music, photography, designing -- these are things that have been a part of me my entire life, yet I failed to give them the attention they deserved for so long. Today I am a singer/song writer, blogger, jewelry designer, business owner, and aspire to someday be a published writer. My love of the arts has been fulfilled in my life, but an even deeper longing is still calling out -- the desire to be a mom. My hope for our future children is that they push themselves to be the best people they can be while still listening to their hearts and following their dreams. We will always do everything we can to help them set and achieve their goals, both in education and otherwise.

In high school, I spent a lot of time with a few very close friends. I have never been very athletic, but I've always loved bike riding and rollerblading. I was involved in a few singing groups and loved writing poetry. Volunteering as an assistant in our church's nursery and babysitting a neighbor's granddaughter were things I enjoyed often.

I met the love of my life while in college. Dustin was a world away, stationed in South Korea, but we somehow managed an unlikely meeting on the internet and later went on to meet in person. The day he flew to Texas to meet me, we decided to do dinner with my family and then catch a late movie as our first date. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We went to a little locally owned Chinese restaurant that has since shut down and planned to see The Bone Collector at the big theater. Interesting first date movie, I know. But no matter, to this day I'm still not sure what the movie is about. Dustin had my undivided attention and my mind was too busy reeling from the excitement of meeting him to pay attention. I drove to the theater, my dad's little red Toyota puttering along... until it died, that is. We sat there on the road, unsure of what to do, until a car full of strangers came by and offered to help Dustin push start the car. And so he did. My tall, handsome Army man push started my little red clunker on our first date and didn't even complain. What a catch! It was undoubtedly the best first date ever.

That began the start of our wonderful life together. Dustin is truly my best friend and my rock. That man constantly amazes me with his wisdom and intellect, yet keeps me in stitches with his crazy sense of humor. He is a great balance of strength and gentleness. I've not met a child that didn't almost instantly adore him. It's really no wonder, since he's like a big kid himself. He's such a good man and excellent husband... I can't wait to see him grow into a great dad. We consider our marriage to be strong and full of love and respect. Respect is important to both of us, and we plan to be a good example of a healthy marriage to our children. Dustin has always supported me in my good days and bad. Last year when I tragically lost my beloved granny, he was the perfect picture of tender strength for me. Granny was one of my favorite people on the planet. We used to sit and talk for hours. She possessed the kind of wisdom that only comes with age and her simple faith in God. Dustin was completely there for me and my family during that difficult time. He's such a treasure.

As you can see, family is very important to me. Growing up, we spent summers and the Christmas holidays traveling up north to visit relatives and that was always a lot of fun to me. I've always been pretty close to one of my younger cousins (I am the oldest on both sides), *name*, who is about to get married! Another cousin and his wife just had a little baby girl, *name*, named after our late granny and I cannot wait to meet her. My mom and I are very close and my mother-in-law is someone I call a dear friend as well. Just recently my dad's brother *name*, his wife and three kids moved to our town. My aunt *name* and I love to sit and chitchat, and our families enjoy getting together for holidays and BBQs and such. My baby cousin *name* is just the sweetest thing, and I'm very much looking forward to giving her a little buddy to play with!

I'm having a bit of a hard time finishing this letter. I feel like I still have so much more to say to you, yet I'm finding myself with so little words (which is a rarity!). I want you to know that even though I don't know you or your story, I have already been praying for you and your child for quite some time. The enormous decisions you're faced with in this season of your life must be such a scary thing and my prayer for you is that the Lord gently guides you through each one. If He happens to guide you in our direction, we would be honored to be the family that loves and raises your little one. If he guides you in another way, rest assured that you still have our prayers. We truly believe with all our hearts that every child is a blessing... now we're just waiting to be a blessing to one in return.

Sincerely,
Crystal

"Nursery Inspiration" - a page from our adoption scrapbook

Or: "How Crystal's baby's nursery SHOULD look but never will because while she is quite possibly a veritable genius when it comes to jewelry/blogging/being Dustin's wife/being a phobic/ruining baked goods/eating chocolate, she is not nor will ever be a good interior designer."

Randomness: Adoption

*Parenting via adoption is no better or worse than parenting via conception. It is just a different way of getting there.

*Choosing to adopt is not settling for something less than. Just because something is second choice does not make it second best.

*Birth parents are not evil people lurking in the shadows, waiting to "take the child back". God has put in me a tremendous amount of respect and compassion for women who make an adoption plan. Not to mention gratitude. My heart truly goes out to them.

*How do you express that plus share yourself in a "Dear Birth Mom" letter? However it's done, I need to figure it out soon.

*Beginning this process has put a whole new meaning to certain areas of scripture. I never really thought about the fact that Moses was pretty much adopted. Ephesians 1 says that God chose us in Him before the foundation of the world and predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus to Himself. I mean... wow.

*Adoption is forever. Once the child is ours, it's ours as if it had come from my own womb. No turning back. The birth parents cannot regain their rights. Adoption is final and forever. God adopted me. No turning back. Final and forever. Again... wow.

*There is a great possibility that we could become a multi-ethnic family. The idea of embracing, celebrating and incorporating into my daily life an entirely different culture than my own in such a real and tangible way while teaching my child to do the same is something that is very appealing to me.

*Though it also scares me a little, because the world is still cruel.

*But I'm a redhead, and though I'm little, I can take 'em. That will be my kid. Bring it.

*There are 2 million couples waiting to adopt. That's many many more couples than babies being placed.

*Adopting does not a hero make. Although the process is now less villainized than it has been in the past, unfortunately it seems that it has swung to the opposite extreme and is now romanticized. We're no saints. We're just regular people, many of us infertile, lots of us traveling a painful journey with way less highs than lows, who love children and want to raise our own. Our future children do not need to be rescued. They're not "lucky". If anyone is lucky, that would be us. Adopting does not make us heroes. It makes us parents.

*Our interviews are done, and though I'm not a hero, I do feel quit heroic to have completed our part of this leg of the journey. I have never before had to speak to someone so in depth about every aspect of my life, past present and future, all at once. It will be at least a few weeks before the home study is written and approved (it will be around a 20-page document that needs to be approved by multiple people), but once it is, we can legally adopt in the state of Texas. (And we get to sign away our life savings, wooo!)

*Three years ago when we first decided to pursue raising a child, I never imagined we'd be here today. It's not a place I thought we'd be at this point in our lives. Now that we're here, I can't imagine being anywhere else.

More Randomness

*You are all BAD bloggy friends, BAD! You asked me why when I told you not to. For that, I... (ok, confession time. Just now I was going to say, "I fart in your general direction", BUT what are the odds that you would all get the reference there? So nevermind. Plus, I'm waaaay too classy for that.).

*Instead, "Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you!"

*Class? I got it.

*Let's hope that class shines through on Wednesday, when we have a person from the adoption agency come by to do our home study interviews. They will either be all in one day or in two days. I think since our appointment is early enough, it might just be one.

*I promise to not break wind in anyone's general direction. Though I do have allergies, so I can't promise a lack of nose-blowing. Sorry.

*My house is currently still torn apart from our flooring project (which isn't quite done). I'm worried that this will reflect negatively on the study. I don't know why it would, but I'm a worried paranoid person by nature, sooooo...

*We now have our first ding in our new flooring. Some metal thing was on top of a shelf, on a pile of clothes I was pulling down (why? WHY was there a metal thing on the shelf? I have no idea.) It fell and hit just right and *ding!* I cried for an hour.

*"A" is the initial of the last name of Dustin's family members who threw a big shin-dig family reunion thing, for which they took pictures. We could not be there for the pictures, so we were sent shirts with an "A" and told to take photos, including silly ones, so we could be "photochopped" in. Hence the last post.

*I thought that was a bit weird, but okay.

*I think my husband makes an adorable blow fish.

*My dad thinks he knows Hawaiian because he can now pronounce "humuhumukununukuapua'a" which is apparently some famous fish in Hawaii and means "fish with a pig's nose". Or something.

*My printer farted in my general direction last week when it decided it would poop out on me. I sensed it coming. Being a business woman in the middle of trying to fill orders, a printer is a must. So I threw it in the toilet and *kindly* requested my hubby buy me a new one likerightnowplease.

*Maybe kindly is not the appropriate word there. Growled might be a bit more accurate.

*I don't normally growl, but I was completely stressed. My wonderful man was nice and bought me one anyway, despite the growling. It must be because I'm so cute when I growl.

*I recently ordered some cloth dipes "seconds". I could not pick the colors. "Girl" was the only option. I ordered them anyway because the price was insanely cheap and I figured "hmm, pastel lavender, not too bad?"... I requested they be as non-girly as possible and said why.

*I recently got a package for five hot pink dipes "seconds". I will either have one chic baby girl or one baby boy that better be really secure in his masculinity.

*Besides a Hot Sling, those are the only baby things I've bought since I last mentioned baby stuff. The only other thing I'll buy before getting "that call" is a changing table. I plan to buy that soon after our home study is approved. Oh, and maybe a baby carrier that Dustin can use. That plus a quick run to get formula and wipes and other baby toiletries before picking up the baby should do until we're settled in.

*It stinks that it could still be two more years before we're parents. That would make for a 10 year wait total (we've wanted them since we married but kept putting it off one reason or other) and a 4+ year wait since deciding we were ready. Hind sight is always 20/20.

*I could really go for a slice of chocolate cake right now. Anyone want to bake me one?

*That's all for now.

Preparations

I have now added quite a bit to our collection of baby stuff. There is so much stuff to get, and we can't leave it all until later. If we end up adopting from a hospital referral (which is where the hospital calls our agency and says someone with no previous contact with the agency just gave birth and wants to place the baby, and the agency matches us with that baby), I really don't want to make a last minute run to the Wal-marts for diapers and bottles and such. Since we don't want any baby showers, we're planning on buying most things ourselves. If that ends up not being the case, it will be a bonus.

People. I'm tired of gender neutral. I don't LIKE yellow, and for some reason, green seems to be somewhat limited. Earlier in the week I had a dream that we adopted a 6-day old baby girl. She was beautiful. We named her Madelyn (don't ask me where that name came from, because I have NO idea) and I cried and cried and cried out of happiness. Then I freaked because I had no idea what to do with her. *giggle* I've never had a dream about adopting before that, so it was sweet. But since then, I can't get my mind off of pink and purple. And instead, I'm stuck in a vortex of yellow. *gag*

When I tell people that we're going to try cloth diapering, the responses are always either very positive or looks of pity, like we've gone insane. To be honest, I think I have gone insane. Two years ago, this germaphobe would have laughed at you if you would have told me that I would be spending a small fortune on things that will catch poo and then be washed out only to catch more poo. And more. And more again. Cloth diapers are for those weird crunchy granola vegetarian tree-hugger people. Oh wait. I guess I am one. (Minus the tree hugging. Trees are cool I guess, but sorry, I don't hug them. I just don't.) How else can you explain the glass bottles and the strange new obsession with re-usable poo catchers? These things are not normal, people. They're just not normal. And yet, here I am, the proud new owner of a nice little collection of said re-usable poo catchers.

On the baby stuff front, so far we have accumulated...

10 chinese pre-folds
8 glass bottles
5 3-6mo onesies
4 one size pocket cloth dipes
3 newborn onesies
3 diaper covers
2 contour diapers
2 diaper snappi dealies
2 orthodontic pacifiers (made in England, not China, thankyouverymuch)
1 healthy baby pack thing (with thermometer, nail clippers, medicine feeder, and a nose booger sucker)
1 pack of flushable diaper liners (cause I'm not THAT crunchy)
1 crib, sans mattress
1 swaddler blanket

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Bring on the poo.

Reprise

It's hard to believe that a year and a half after I wrote this, I can finally get through it without bawling. I'm trying to figure out if this will make it into the adoption scrapbook we'll be making to show birth parents. A big part of me thinks it belongs there and our local agency director agrees. I guess we'll see.

Such a long road we've been down... so much journey still up ahead.


Pieces of Me

You're but a picture in my mind, just a song on my lips
A prayer towards heaven, all my lonely cries
Everything I've never known but have always missed

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

Face of an angel not in sight, yet forever in my eyes
The beat of my heart, rhythm not yet played
Every reason I am torn, can you tell me why?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

So close I can almost hear your voice
So near, your sweet breath upon my cheek
But still so far, just out of reach
Tell me will you come to me? When will you come to me?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

© Crystal M.H. 2007

Can't Wait

With a huge grin on his face he happily exclaims, "I can't wait!" when talking about the Adopted Child To Be.
You realize that the years of pain and torture and seemingly endless roller coaster of emotions will be worth it when you see him hold it all in his hands for the very first time.

Even if he doesn't cry.
But you know he will, if only in his soul.

That moment won't erase the forever pain, for pain is ever present when a part of your heart is not.
But it will dress a wound.

Time will stand still.
Dreams will no longer be a thing of sleep.

A man will grow up to be a dad.
And like that man, I just can't wait.

"Keep Austin Weird"

No lie, that's a slogan that you will see in the city of Austin, TX. I'm not sure how weird it is, but it is big. And far. We had to drive there on the weekend of May 31st to attend a seminar for our adoption.

I hate travel, people. HATE it. But I survived. We played "20 Questions" and sang "Fried Ham" to keep ourselves entertained. I tried to get a video of Dustin singing "Fried Ham" in his best Billy Mays impression (that's the Oxyclean guy by the way, whom we mercilessly mock at each commercial), but he would not let me. It was hilarious though. You'll just have to take my word for it (or call Dustin and beg him until he does it for you... yeah, that might work). I married a silly man. I laugh at with him constantly. At least our children will be entertained.

When we arrived at our hotel, we requested a room on the ground floor. They only had one. We went to it and it smelled, in Dustin's words, "musty". It my words, it smelled like urine. I know what musty smells like and I know what urine smells like. This was not musty. It was a very nice hotel, however, so the "musty" smell really surprised me. So back to the front desk we went and very kindly requested a different room, since this one was "musty". They apologized profusely and said it would not be a problem. A woman that I can only assume is a manager was standing there and said that for our inconvenience they were going to upgrade us to a suite (ground level, of course).

People. This hotel room was HUGE (and odor-free). I've never stayed in such a nice room. The counters were like granite or something. There was a wet bar. An entirely separate room with a couch, recliner, table, and second television. The service was top-notch. They even had a good (according to Dustin) hot breakfast (for free), free popcorn and hot dogs every day, and free drinks each evening (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic).

The seminar was good. It was very long, but very informative. We learned a lot. At the end, we got to hear from a birth mom who placed her son for adoption about 18 years ago. She was a kind soul, and by the time she finished sharing her story, I wanted so badly to run up and give her a hug. I shook her hand and expressed my gratitude instead. Also on that panel was a couple who adopted through this agency twice. To hear the husband talk about the day they brought their son home... well, you could tell that he was not a man of many words, but the words he had to say were touching.

In our group, there were two couples that had previously adopted (one with our agency and the other through a different one). The one that adopted through this agency has a daughter that is 19 months old. It was encouraging to me to see them back for their second. That makes me believe that they were happy with their first experience with this agency. I did not think I would be comfortable working with an agency. When we first started exploring adoption, I talked to many many agencies and most of them left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. Not that I rely on feelings to guide me, but the way I would feel after the conversations with them were not good. I felt sort of like a big dollar sign instead of a woman in pain. I can only assume that their birth moms might feel the same way. *shudders*

This agency though is not like that. I've never had a conversation with anyone in either the local office or the Austin office that made me feel like they were anything but caring. They seem to genuinely care about us and about the women facing the difficult decisions regarding their babies. The fact that people (both birth moms and adopting couples) return to them time and time again speaks volumes to me. I hope that the remainder of our adoption experience with them is good. Who knows, if it is, maybe we'll be back for a second someday. Though I'd really really like to adopt a beautiful Korean child if we ever do this again. *grin*

We watched a few videos. One was on transracial families, which I found particularly interesting and informative, though it left me feeling the need to pursue that topic more deeply if we become one. Another was on shaken baby syndrome and how to avoid it. This video is awful. There should be a law that every person to ever come into contact with a child has to watch it.

They covered things such as discipline and punishment, and one person sitting next to me was what I would call mouthing off. Mumbling all sorts of trash. I wanted to throw a bottle of water at her, but I was nice. Apparently she thought that hitting a child is a laughing matter. I think she made most of the people in the room uncomfortable (including her husband). She made me flat out angry.

I'm slowly starting to think about buying baby things. It's a very scary thing to me. It still feels like a huge leap of faith to actually buy something... wrong, almost. But we really need to. I ordered some bottles last night (glass bottles... BPA free, thankyouverymuch) and we're going to look at changing tables very soon. I'm watching craigslist for stuff, though I haven't seen anything I want.

Now we're just waiting to schedule our homestudy interviews, which will probably happen over the next month or so. Oh, and they might do an FBI check on us. That's a little intimidating. Not that we have anything to worry about, but the FBI? Maybe they'll get CTU and Jack Bauer on our trail too.

I wonder if Jack Bauer would read my blog. That could be a problem.

SKERRRD!

We have big stuff coming up very very soon in regards to our adoption, and my nerves are not treating me so nicely. I'm skerrd, I'm skerrd, I'm SKERRD. If you think of us, please pray. :) I'll write more about it later.

We turned in just about all of our paperwork last night along with our first fee. The local director person came to meet us and pick it all up at the last minute. We've talked extensively over the phone and she's very nice so it was good to finally meet in person. Dustin and I had to write autobiographies following an outline that was given to us. I figured I'd get, oh, a page and a half maybe... but oooh no. It ended up being almost four full pages. Dustin's was that long too. I guess we had a lot to say. :) This is a good thing, since the more info we give them up front, the shorter our homestudy interviews will have to be. Now that our paperwork has been turned in, our homestudy should be scheduled pretty soon. It will take probably around 4 hrs total for us, but the paperwork itself will probably take a few weeks to be completed and approved and all. Once we're approved, we get to write a BIG, FAT CHECK (I don't even want to think about that number right now) and wait for a birth family to pick us.

I did not know this until last night, but they wait until the birth mother is just about due before they show her the adoptive families that are potential matches for her. So apparently, when we get a call saying we're picked, if all goes smoothly from there, we will be parents within a few weeks. Weeks! It makes sense that they do it this way since until she has signed off on the paperwork (which, in Texas, cannot happen until at least 48 hrs after birth), the birth mom can change her mind at anytime. She is counseled throughout her pregnancy (or at least for as long as she has been in contact with the agency) so by the time they show the profiles, they are usually pretty certain they are making the right choice, but of course, some do change their minds. We will get a child that is more than likely a week old or less... probably 3-4 days old.

Very soon, we will have to start looking for a pediatrician and also start buying things for the nursery because you know, we only have a crib (sans mattress). I guess we will have to go with a gender neutral thing mostly since we will not have much time for things once we get that call.

There is so much stuff, and it's all so overwhelming, but right now I just need to make it through Monday. One day at a time... one day at a time. I'm very very very much looking forward to Monday. If I survive until then, it's all good.

Deep Thoughts

I had a realization the other day. Without going into details, our infertility is a little complicated. It's not something we fully understand. In talking to the doctor, I think she was surprised to know that at this point I'm not sure I care anymore. For the first time in a long time, it feels like we're on the right track here. I want our soon to be adopted baby. I love it already. It's probably not even conceived, and I already love it. I have no idea what it will look like, where it will come from, what nationality it will be... but it's mine and I am attached. There is no way I want to give it up, even if it meant we could have a biological child in its place. This kid is already mine. It just doesn't know it yet and will be renting a place to live for 9 months until it finds its forever home.

Getting pregnant is just simply not important to me anymore. At all. Which is a huge deal for me because I was in love with the idea for so long. Don't get me wrong. If God decided to perform a miracle (which is what it would take - an honest to God true 100% miracle - not what some people call a miracle either - we're talking water into wine/healing the blind type thing here) I'm sure I would be thrilled. But I just don't care. I'm actually thrilled now that I won't be pregnant. No stretch marks. No morning sickness. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Not that I think those things aren't worth the prize at the end... but our adoption journey has a grand prize too that is just as worthy and to be honest, to me, a little more special in a way. This journey is hard. But I know it's meant for us. There are still things that could fall through and stop this particular leg of our journey, but even if that happens, I know the journey will be completed somehow because... well... I just know. I bought a crib, after all, and it has to be filled somehow.

The hardest part of this ordeal is the total and utter lack of control I have over certain things. I will have no say what happens to our baby during and right after birth. I also do not have the option of breastfeeding. Sure, adoptive mothers can do it, but it's not something I am willing to try at this point because I do not feel it would be healthy for me since I already struggle in the weight department. I'm sure many people will think less of me for not trying, but oh well. This is something I've put a lot of thought into and I just know that at this point, for this adoption, I need to give up that dream and do the best I can otherwise. Perhaps if we adopt again, I will try it.

These are the things I struggle the most with right now... stuff I can't control. I'm a control freak, and it drives me nuts. Two years ago I had very strong feelings as to what would happen to my child during and after birth and how my child would be fed. It's almost funny now (if not frustrating) to realize how sometimes God throws you curve balls and what you previously knew to be best is not so much anymore.

T to the B

I had my toxin injection today (sorry, Bethany, not botox). No, I have never had one before. I was home schooled through 8th grade and then went to a very tiny (VERY tiny) Christian school for high school and it was never required. It wasn't even required when I went to college. So I guess I read it wrong and it's not the actual toxin, but an antigen. Or something. I don't know. All I know is I don't like foreign matter injected into me, nor do I like things taken out of me that belong in me (such as blood). I'm a firm believer in the fact that if God had wanted my blood in vials, He would have put it there Himself instead of inside my body... where it keeps me alive.

Thankfully, according to my doctor, my "blood work was so good last year" that I did not have to have a work up this year. Go me! I'm actually shocked at this since I've sort of lost some weight since last year. I had gained 6 lbs, then I lost it all. I can't tell you how frustrating that is. #(*&#*($^&*@#$(*#@&$ is all I have to say about that. I tried to get her to prescribe me some calorie pills, but she insists they don't exist. I think she's holding out on me.

Have I told you how much I like my doctor? I really do. She's nice and thorough and puts up with my quirks very well (just like my dentist, who I also love - it's true - despite the fact that I freak out whenever I have to visit either). However, she's leaving the practice at the end of next month. I'm hoping she'll move to another place in town so I can stick with her, otherwise I'll have to find someone else and I don't think that will be so easy. Before she leaves, I'll be visiting her at least once for acupuncture.

People. I was shaking over a tiny TB anti-whatever needle injection. And I'll be getting acupuncture. Lots of little needles. All over. Left in me for several minutes. While I watch. Does anyone see a potential problem here?

For some reason, my doctor laughs when I visit her. I can't imagine why. It's not like I'm funny or anything. I mean, all I did was ask her if my salivary gland was going to kill me, or if a dermatological cream would kill me if I accidentally forgot to wash my hands after using it and before eating (if you know me at all, you'd know that this scenario is impossible), what she was listening to when she put the stethoscope up to my belly (who knew it gurgles all the time? I mean, listening to belly gurgles isn't exactly normal behavior, you know...), and make the connection between my phobias and all the problems in the entire world. We decided that if we can somehow fix my anxiety issues, we can bring peace to the middle east. I know it's true. She agreed. And laughed. It's a good thing I didn't tell her I locked myself in the bathroom... naked. I'm sure that caused some kind of planetary shift that we just haven't yet found. I don't think Lexapro can fix stupid.

The dentist laughs at me too. I just can't figure it out...

So back to my toxin/not-toxin injection. It was a lot less scary than I expected. Not that I'd want to do it again, but it didn't hurt that much. I even watched for a couple of seconds (but not for long because, seriously, who enjoys watching their skin bubble up? I mean, ewe.). The nurse that works there is really cool. He's an older gentleman and quite funny. I have to have my arm bubble "read" on Thursday, but he says that I can just send my arm. I don't actually have to show up myself. Good to know, man-nurse. Good to know.

Because my arm? Phobia free.

It might be phobia free (and now, mostly bubble free) but it sure isn't bruise free. I bruise at the drop of a... needle? I should have taken a picture when I had my blood work done last year. You would have sworn someone punched me, hard. Even this little needle left a bruise. I'm also very clumsy, so really, I'm never bruise free. I promise no one beats me (unless door jambs and the dog gate count).

I took a picture of my toxin/non-toxin arm bubble bruise. But I'll spare you. I can only "dab it, not rub it" so it has crusty blood on it, and no one likes crusty blood. Even I'm not sick enough to blog about that.

Randomness

2 Belles & a Bead has donated a $10 gift certificate to a raffle that my friend Jessica is holding for her friend Shelly. Shelly is raising money to help send children battling cancer to a special summer camp just for them. What a gem! Be sure to check out Jessica's post here to find out more - it's a wonderful cause.

I get to have a toxin injected under my skin next week. Sounds fun, no? Why in the world would I ever subject myself to such foolishness, you ask? Well, I don't have a choice. TB tests are required if we want to adopt. Yay. Can you tell I'm less than thrilled about this? I don't normally enjoy injecting foreign matter into my body, especially when that foreign matter is a, you know, disease. I've not been exposed to TB so I think it's silly that I have to be tested for it. But whatever. Plus, it's quite possible that I could have an allergy to whatever it is and end up having to get chest x-rays anyway. Yay. Radiation in my body!

The hoops we have to jump through to get a child are endless. I will not bore you with details of the paperwork we have been filling out. Very personal questions. Very detailed information. We have to write autobiographies, and I am not even kidding. "The more detailed, the better."

We're traveling to attend the seminar required for our homestudy around the end of the month. I'm dreading this.

We have a big zucchini growing and several little cucumbers. Tiny baby cucumbers are very odd looking - like little vegetable aliens. I'd take photos, but it's so windy outside that I'm afraid I'd end up in Kansas.

I've been playing more with my metal clay and have some pretties to show you once I photograph them.

This might be the first mother's day in a very long time that I will not end up in tears.

That is all.

Now that's what I call faith...

... or foolishness.

Or just a really good bargain.

Take your pick; it could go either way, really.

Whatever you call it, the fact is that Dustin and I bought a crib on Saturday.

Yes, a crib. A baby crib.

WE... the 100% infertile people... BOUGHT A BABY CRIB. On Saturday. Not yet knowing if we would be accepted into the adoption program.

A 3-in-1 crib in really good condition... for $65. Thank you very much, craigslist!

I found the crib on Thursday. The day we thought we would hear from the agency. No call from the agency, but found a really great crib. Friday, again, no call from the agency. Still a really nice crib. Saturday... agency closed... no call. Still a nice crib. We buy crib, barely squeezing it in my tiny car, and bring it home, hoping that we didn't just waste $65. We figured that if this program didn't work out, we'd still adopt somehow, from some place, and would eventually need a crib. But if not, hey, for $65, we could sell it ourselves and get it all back.


See? A crib. In OUR house. Right beside the Gazelle that never gets used except for as a clothes hanger holder. Hopefully future baby will like to work out because we, well, don't.


And that is the room where the crib now lives. Hopefully eventually it will be a nursery, but right now, it is where our clothes hanger holder workout machine sits, as well as where I throw fold our clean laundry and where my husband irons his work clothes. It is also where Molly sometimes poops. See the carpet cleaner bottle there? Yeah. That's Molly's fault.

So... whether you call it faith, or foolishness, or just a really good bargain, as of Saturday, Dustin and I are now the terrified proud owners of a baby crib.

And oh yeah... the adoption agency called today. Our application got the highest score out of all of them. We're in. :o)

Taking that first step

Is it me, or is the first step always the hardest?

It has been months since we decided we are going to adopt. For months, we agonized over the decision. Not the decision of doing it, but the decision on how, when, and where. It's not cheap, you know. It's a HUGE thing. It won't be easy. There are so many different options as well. All these months we didn't know what to do or what choice was the best.

We went back and forth over a few options. We considered the foster to adopt program. We considered a program in an African country. We thought about a program that adopts only biracial and multi-ethnic children. We looked into S. Korea. None of them seemed right, so we just sat on it. Our talks about it got us nowhere fast.

One morning almost two weeks ago in about five minutes flat, we made our decision. We realized that what we both wanted was the same thing, but we had both been too afraid of it for various reasons. The next step was to decide on an agency. It practically fell into our laps, and that decision was made later that afternoon.

The pre-screening application was sent in two days later.

We will find out by March 14th whether or not we are accepted into this program. If we are, then our journey towards parenthood just might start its last leg. The agency person we spoke to said she's pretty sure we'll get in, but I'm very apprehensive because it was TOO EASY. Nothing in my life is easy. This, literally, was like 1, 2, 3. Either God's hand was in it, or everything that happened in the past couple of weeks was just a weird coincidence. I guess we'll find out soon enough. Either way, I'm sure the rest of the journey will be very hard.

I've been debating with myself for a week now on whether or not I would blog about this before March 14th. I almost didn't, but then I figured we could use all the prayer we could get as soon as we could get it.

So there you go. We could be parents by the end of the year. I'm honestly not sure what is more scary to me. The fact that it could fall through at any moment and prove to not be God's plan, or the fact that it COULD be really happening and we'll actually end up with a child.

I've never felt such a huge mixture of emotions right now. Half of me wants to run for dear life, but the other half of me has never felt such peace. That first step was so easy, but yet so very hard.

Letting the cat out of the bag

My husband and I found out late this summer that we cannot have children. Until yesterday, it was sort of semi-private information. My parents have known for a while, but other than that and telling a very few close friends, not many others knew. I think I sort of let it slip once online, but that's it. This is one big reason why I have backed off with my blogging somewhat. It's a huge part of what is on my mind, and I was afraid of saying too much too soon.

Until yesterday, my husband's family didn't even know. I was waiting for him to be ready to tell them, since they're his family and all. It took him a lot longer to process this than it did me, since after two years of infertility, I had already begun to prepare myself for this possibility. Anyway, I didn't want to really talk about it too much until all the close family members knew. That's not really knowledge you want to get around to them in a round about way, you know? Plus, they live very far away and this is difficult information to share over the phone. Unfortunately, we're not sure when we will be able to visit them. (I'm skeered of flying, you know!)

But yesterday he told them, and now it's out in the open and we're ready to share that we're very, very close to starting the adoption process. We have been considering a lot of options over the past few months and so far, the ones that seem most attractive to us are a local foster to adopt program through Lutheran Services (yes, we're one of those horrible couples that want an infant for our first child and they SAY they have many infants adopted through that program, so we'll see), a program through an agency in our state that adopts African American multi-ethnic babies (sadly, not many people want them, and I simply do.not.get.that.), and an international adoption from S. Korea. My husband spent a year there while he was in the military and is familiar with their culture and would love to go back and visit someday. He says they have really good food and you have not lived until you have eaten their spicy bulgoki and yakimandu. *giggle*

This has, without a doubt, been the most frustrating and hardest year of my life. Never before have I experienced so much heartache and pain. Infertility is hard enough, but finding out that the infertility is permanent is not something that is easily accepted. I feel like a very vital part of my being has been ripped from me... that a part of the reason I exist has died. I've been accused of being bitter and angry, and I freely admit that heck YES I am angry and bitter. But at least I am humble enough to realize that those are very valid emotions, and I accept them and continue to work through them. I don't know anyone that is strong enough or holy enough to go through what we've been through and still be able to keep their happiness and joy 24/7. Being a Christian does not exclude me from feeling real emotions. I'm okay with that, and I thank God He is too. All the accusers can think badly of me if they want - their opinions simply do not matter to me. Or to God. I'm so glad my God is a God of grace and patience. Have you met Him? *grin*

So, anyway. There you have it. If you don't know the reason why, that's because we haven't told you and probably never will, so please do not ask. :) Feel free, however, to ask about our new journey as we begin it. I'm sure it will be long and frustrating, terrifying and wonderful (not to mention one of the most expensive commitments we will have ever made) and I know I'll need a lot of support during that time. I've found some amazing people that have been there, done that, who will hopefully prove to be a rich source of information for us.

It's hard. It sucks. It's something no one can fully prepare for. But it's ours and as such, we have begun to learn to accept it. We are surviving, and our marriage is strong (for which we are extremely thankful since many do not make it through this kind of hardship). We are ready to move on to the next phase in our lives. I'm hopeful that by this time next year we might just be parents, or at least close to it. Who cares that the child will not come from my womb?

I'm okay with that, and I will still be just as much of a mother as anyone else. Without a doubt, whatever child we adopt will know that he or she was much wanted and loved for years before it was even born. Sounds nice a nice way to enter the world, doesn't it? *grin*