Reprise

It's hard to believe that a year and a half after I wrote this, I can finally get through it without bawling. I'm trying to figure out if this will make it into the adoption scrapbook we'll be making to show birth parents. A big part of me thinks it belongs there and our local agency director agrees. I guess we'll see.

Such a long road we've been down... so much journey still up ahead.


Pieces of Me

You're but a picture in my mind, just a song on my lips
A prayer towards heaven, all my lonely cries
Everything I've never known but have always missed

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

Face of an angel not in sight, yet forever in my eyes
The beat of my heart, rhythm not yet played
Every reason I am torn, can you tell me why?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

So close I can almost hear your voice
So near, your sweet breath upon my cheek
But still so far, just out of reach
Tell me will you come to me? When will you come to me?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

© Crystal M.H. 2007

Deep Thoughts

I had a realization the other day. Without going into details, our infertility is a little complicated. It's not something we fully understand. In talking to the doctor, I think she was surprised to know that at this point I'm not sure I care anymore. For the first time in a long time, it feels like we're on the right track here. I want our soon to be adopted baby. I love it already. It's probably not even conceived, and I already love it. I have no idea what it will look like, where it will come from, what nationality it will be... but it's mine and I am attached. There is no way I want to give it up, even if it meant we could have a biological child in its place. This kid is already mine. It just doesn't know it yet and will be renting a place to live for 9 months until it finds its forever home.

Getting pregnant is just simply not important to me anymore. At all. Which is a huge deal for me because I was in love with the idea for so long. Don't get me wrong. If God decided to perform a miracle (which is what it would take - an honest to God true 100% miracle - not what some people call a miracle either - we're talking water into wine/healing the blind type thing here) I'm sure I would be thrilled. But I just don't care. I'm actually thrilled now that I won't be pregnant. No stretch marks. No morning sickness. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Not that I think those things aren't worth the prize at the end... but our adoption journey has a grand prize too that is just as worthy and to be honest, to me, a little more special in a way. This journey is hard. But I know it's meant for us. There are still things that could fall through and stop this particular leg of our journey, but even if that happens, I know the journey will be completed somehow because... well... I just know. I bought a crib, after all, and it has to be filled somehow.

The hardest part of this ordeal is the total and utter lack of control I have over certain things. I will have no say what happens to our baby during and right after birth. I also do not have the option of breastfeeding. Sure, adoptive mothers can do it, but it's not something I am willing to try at this point because I do not feel it would be healthy for me since I already struggle in the weight department. I'm sure many people will think less of me for not trying, but oh well. This is something I've put a lot of thought into and I just know that at this point, for this adoption, I need to give up that dream and do the best I can otherwise. Perhaps if we adopt again, I will try it.

These are the things I struggle the most with right now... stuff I can't control. I'm a control freak, and it drives me nuts. Two years ago I had very strong feelings as to what would happen to my child during and after birth and how my child would be fed. It's almost funny now (if not frustrating) to realize how sometimes God throws you curve balls and what you previously knew to be best is not so much anymore.

Oh, the shame!

I've been baaad, bloggy friends. BAD! A bad blogger, a bad bloggy buddy, a bad... well... enough alliterations for one post, no?

I'm once again in a funky place where I don't know what to write about. During any given day, you can catch me moping around the house, sighing and thinking, "Dangit! I don't know what to write about!" Ok, not really. Well, maybe the moping part a little. Or a lot. Moping is what I'm good at these days. I have a lot of deep things weighing on my mind lately with no real resolution for them and it's getting old.

I know all three of my faithful readers are missing my wit, my charm, and my ability to make them laugh with a single act of locking myself in the bathroom... naked. I'm sorry I've been neglectful of this most important duty. I'm also sorry I have not been visiting your witty, charmy, funny blogs and commenting as much as I should.

So what's been going on in Crystal land lately? Not much, really. I'm getting my hair cut next week. I haven't cut it in a long time. It's about at my shoulders right now, and I think I'll cut it to my chin. That's my favorite length. I'm not fond of long hair.

I have nothing new to report on the adoption front. In fact, we have not done anything on that front at all. I'm having some big feelings about it that I can't quite get past. Not about adopting in general, just the route we're considering taking and the lack of control I will have there in certain areas that are important to me. It's NOT a route I particularly want to take, but my husband does, so we are at a stand still. Plus, there is simply no time to pursue it at the moment, so who knows when it will happen. If it ever happens. At this point in time, I have great doubts about whether or not we will ever really become parents. I'm sorta leaning towards no on that one, but I guess time will tell.

Also, in the past year, I've had a major shift in thinking in many areas. I'm totally not the same person I was two years ago. Except for the phobias. Those are still there. No matter what changes, rest assured, the phobias will be there to keep me grounded! *rolls eyes* One of the things I have dramatically changed my thinking on is how I feel about certain aspects of parenting and disciplining. My beliefs on the matter no longer conform to what most of my family believes - including my spouse. And I feel so strongly about them that I am unwilling to waver from them. So this should be interesting (if we ever become parents, which, again, probably not ever going to happen!). But hopefully these things have a way of working themselves out... right?

At this point in my life I feel very much stuck in limbo. And to be quite honest with you, I don't like it so much!

I've been staying up way too late and sleeping late too. I reorganized how things are categorized on our website last night, and started working on paperwork for taxes. I baked bread from scratch for yesterday's dinner for the first time in a very long time. It was ok, but kinda crunchy on the outside.

We watched the first season of Heroes last month and loved it. We also watched last season's Lost and are very excited that the new season starts tonight (and are VERY excited that we love DVR so much). And did I tell you that we bought a friggin huge TV? Yeah. Right before Christmas, we found a 37" flat screen LCD HDTV and decided to treat ourselves. Apparently playing XBox on an HDTV is a lot better than on a regular TV. Do they even make regular TVs anymore? At first I felt really guilty about all the money we spent in the second half of last year. But then I remembered how hard we've been working the past several years, and how much we cut back and saved and scrimped and then I didn't feel so bad anymore. It took us years to get out of debt and build up a good bit of savings. We're FINALLY able to reward ourselves a little... and there's no shame in that, right?

But no more big spending for a while. Or at least until we decide to rip out the floors, which I'm hoping will happen around spring break. We've been planning that the entire time we've lived here (almost two years!) and have not yet done it. Well, I'm getting very sick of it not being done, so I am making a point this year that it WILL get done before my birthday in June. Even if I have to hire someone to come and do it, it WILL get done.

So maybe I have a little more to talk about than I thought...

Letting the cat out of the bag

My husband and I found out late this summer that we cannot have children. Until yesterday, it was sort of semi-private information. My parents have known for a while, but other than that and telling a very few close friends, not many others knew. I think I sort of let it slip once online, but that's it. This is one big reason why I have backed off with my blogging somewhat. It's a huge part of what is on my mind, and I was afraid of saying too much too soon.

Until yesterday, my husband's family didn't even know. I was waiting for him to be ready to tell them, since they're his family and all. It took him a lot longer to process this than it did me, since after two years of infertility, I had already begun to prepare myself for this possibility. Anyway, I didn't want to really talk about it too much until all the close family members knew. That's not really knowledge you want to get around to them in a round about way, you know? Plus, they live very far away and this is difficult information to share over the phone. Unfortunately, we're not sure when we will be able to visit them. (I'm skeered of flying, you know!)

But yesterday he told them, and now it's out in the open and we're ready to share that we're very, very close to starting the adoption process. We have been considering a lot of options over the past few months and so far, the ones that seem most attractive to us are a local foster to adopt program through Lutheran Services (yes, we're one of those horrible couples that want an infant for our first child and they SAY they have many infants adopted through that program, so we'll see), a program through an agency in our state that adopts African American multi-ethnic babies (sadly, not many people want them, and I simply do.not.get.that.), and an international adoption from S. Korea. My husband spent a year there while he was in the military and is familiar with their culture and would love to go back and visit someday. He says they have really good food and you have not lived until you have eaten their spicy bulgoki and yakimandu. *giggle*

This has, without a doubt, been the most frustrating and hardest year of my life. Never before have I experienced so much heartache and pain. Infertility is hard enough, but finding out that the infertility is permanent is not something that is easily accepted. I feel like a very vital part of my being has been ripped from me... that a part of the reason I exist has died. I've been accused of being bitter and angry, and I freely admit that heck YES I am angry and bitter. But at least I am humble enough to realize that those are very valid emotions, and I accept them and continue to work through them. I don't know anyone that is strong enough or holy enough to go through what we've been through and still be able to keep their happiness and joy 24/7. Being a Christian does not exclude me from feeling real emotions. I'm okay with that, and I thank God He is too. All the accusers can think badly of me if they want - their opinions simply do not matter to me. Or to God. I'm so glad my God is a God of grace and patience. Have you met Him? *grin*

So, anyway. There you have it. If you don't know the reason why, that's because we haven't told you and probably never will, so please do not ask. :) Feel free, however, to ask about our new journey as we begin it. I'm sure it will be long and frustrating, terrifying and wonderful (not to mention one of the most expensive commitments we will have ever made) and I know I'll need a lot of support during that time. I've found some amazing people that have been there, done that, who will hopefully prove to be a rich source of information for us.

It's hard. It sucks. It's something no one can fully prepare for. But it's ours and as such, we have begun to learn to accept it. We are surviving, and our marriage is strong (for which we are extremely thankful since many do not make it through this kind of hardship). We are ready to move on to the next phase in our lives. I'm hopeful that by this time next year we might just be parents, or at least close to it. Who cares that the child will not come from my womb?

I'm okay with that, and I will still be just as much of a mother as anyone else. Without a doubt, whatever child we adopt will know that he or she was much wanted and loved for years before it was even born. Sounds nice a nice way to enter the world, doesn't it? *grin*

Are you kidding me?

Today I called a good friend from my high school days to get her address so I could send her an invitation to our jewelry party next month. I have always forgotten to get it from her after she got married. I asked her for it and you'll never guess what she said in return. Or maybe you will guess.

"Are you sending me a baby shower invitation?"

Are you freaking kidding me? Is that really something you ask someone you know has been struggling with infertility for two years? I said "No, I wish" and something else and she replied again with something else completely insensitive and I pretty much stopped that conversation and changed the subject.

Some days I feel like the only sane person left in this world.

Life is always better as a pessimist

Or at least according to The Freelance Cynic, author of the original Moaning Meme.

Sandy tagged me for this a couple of days ago, but I know I've been tagged before by a couple other people. I think it was Amber and Jessica? Anyway, at long last, here is my moaning meme.

5 people who will be annoyed you tagged them.

Laurel at My Attempt to be Coherent because I like to pick on my new friends. *giggle*
Kim Thru the Looking Glass because she admitted she wants to be tagged for memes. Apparently it flatters her, and flattery gets me everywhere. So rant away, Kim! :)
My dad at Rantings From the Right because I think this meme was designed with him in mind...
Stacy at Upon Eagles' Wings because I'd like to see this totally sweet person whine for once, and...
Sarah, again, at My Peculiar Life because she can rant with the best of 'em! ;o)

If I didn't tag you and you'd like to participate, please feel free and let me know that you did. :)

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

*Huge honking SUVs and the idiot drivers down here who try to run me over in my little car. Yeah, SUVs are good for many people, but very few of them down here are really necessary. They're more of a "look at me! look at me!" status symbol or something. SUVs and trucks are to Texans as sports cars are to the rest of the world I guess. If you have an SUV and a good reason to have one, then this rant is not for you. However, if you "need" your SUV for your one small 4-month old child, please avoid all the places I tend to drive. I'm tired of laying on my horn to keep you from hitting me in my small, gas efficient vehicle. Oh, and learn to park in ONE spot please. ONE SPOT.

*Infertility. It sucks, big time. If I were elected president, I would abolish it my first day in office.

*That commercial with the military people for that little Tide thing. "A stain, Vaughn? A ketchup stain??" ... "Oooh what'd they do, send me a daggon houdini?!"

*Germs. Because germs aren't cool, man, they're just not cool.

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.

*Act like they know how I feel regarding our infertility. Or speak poorly of me behind my back (naive enough to think or hope I wouldn't find out?!) and judge me for my very valid human emotions or say not true things about me instead of approach me to work it out with me themselves like adults, which leads me to...

*Act like we're in junior high still. I'm almost 30, people. I grew up a long time ago. Please stop acting like your children.

*Try to touch my hair or any other thing that is exclusively mine, without my permission. I have a big need for my personal space. If you aren't my husband, puh-LEASE keep your hands, breath, feet, and anything else that is part of you or comes out of a part of you at least 5 feet from any part of me at all times.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

*People who do not understand phobias and panic attacks, yet judge me for them, or think I am less of a person because of them. A certain dental assistant (for one) comes to mind.

*Being childless.

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

*I am crazy. But we knew this already.

RULES

*Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it's all about!

*Be as honest as possible, This is about letting people get to know the real you!

*Try not to insult anyone - unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly!

*Post these rules at the end of every meme!

Thoughts on becoming a mother

The past few days have been difficult for me for a variety of reasons. One of those is some things said about me by some people with whom I used to share my heart. But it's ok, because I know everything happens for a reason. Or at least I try to keep believing that. Sometimes it is really hard.

I found this online, and I do not know who wrote it, but I thought it was lovely and deserving of an audience here at The Song of My Soul. I hope you enjoy.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

I Would Die for That

By Kellie Coffey

Thursday Thirteen #13

After someone said something a little insensitive to me last week, I almost posted something along these lines then. But, I decided to cool off first and now that I'm "over it" I thought it would make for an interesting Thursday Thirteen. I realize that most people are just trying to be helpful, but I also think most of the time people don't think before they speak. Infertility is a touchy subject and is very painful, and you never know who is touched by it since it's not normally a visible problem. I have chosen to share some of our struggles, but many choose not to... and thanks to more than a handful of insensitive people, I now know why. So, in honor of those of us who spent mother's day wondering about and perhaps mourning over the unknown futures of our motherhood, here are:

Thirteen things you shouldn't say to people having trouble conceiving (or just to be safe... anyone, really...)*

1. "Have you considered adoption??" Personally, YES, we have considered adoption and I plan to adopt someday regardless of whether or not we have biological children. However, why is that anyone's business unless I choose to make it their business? Sometimes it takes a little while to grieve the children you may never have. You have to be ready in SO many ways to adopt... emotionally, financially, mentally... Don't assume someone hasn't considered it, and don't assume they SHOULD consider it. Ever. Not everyone can or wants to, and that's okay.

2. "Just relax!!" If stress was a main cause of infertility, half the population would not be here. Relaxing will not fix infertility. Taking a "fertility cruise" or other such nonsense will not miraculously cause your body to grow a child. Not to mention, it's virtually impossible to relax when you find out you can't get pregnant as easily as you think you should and there are a million and one things you have to think of, and you live your life in two week increments. This is one of the most insulting things people can suggest to someone struggling with this issue. If only it were that easy.

3. "Maybe it will happen if it's God's will..." For people who don't believe, it sounds crazy and downright mean. For those of us that do, it's just plain painful. Yes, I believe in the will of God and it's in His control. That, strangely, does not offer comfort. It really just reminds me of the fact that the Lord doesn't always truly give us the desires of our hearts (or at least not always in the ways we hoped and planned). Don't presume to know His will for my life, please. Thanks!

4. Any other Christian cliches, for that matter. "It's in His hands" "It will happen in His time" "Give it to Him" and on and on and on. I'm not a Christian cliche type of gal, obviously. If you want to offer religious comfort, pray with me and for me.

5. "Is your husband avoiding ______, ______, and ______? (Insert heat producing clothing items, activities, or possible fertility impairing consumables of your choice.)" Would you like to come over and make sure our house isn't baby-making-proof? And is it really your business what my husband wears under his pants?!

6. "My cousin's neighbor's aunt's dog sitter knew a woman who was having trouble conceiving her 3rd child and after nine long months of no luck, she tried ______ (Insert awkward, overly personal, didn't-want-to-know information here.) and she got pregnant! Have you tried that?" First, if you were pregnant with a successful pregnancy in any amount of time less than a year, you're not infertile and most people who really are don't want to hear your "advice". Be thrilled... it's not a club you want to join, believe me. Second, those who ARE infertile are usually obsessed with gaining information on the topic and have heard just about every "remedy" in the book (and off the books, even) and have probably tried them all at least 10 times, naively thinking that maybe... just maybe... they'll get lucky.

7. "If you would not have used birth control when you first got married, you wouldn't be having this problem now." I have no nice words to say about this one, and I hate birth control. It's nice how people that hardly know you love to diagnose your issues, whether they be physical or even supposedly spiritual. (As if God really punishes someone for using the evil hormonal pills by withholding the blessing of a child from them. Yes, people really believe this. I know... wow.)

8. "It might be because of your weight." or "Maybe if you just lose/gain xx pounds, that will help!" It doesn't matter if you're skinny or fat, people love to ask if your struggles are because of it, one way or another. Unless you're my doctor or nutritional counselor, just don't go there.

9."Some women just aren't cut out to be mothers." This one hasn't been said to me, yet, but to others. I'm going to have to stop writing about this one now, in case there are little eyes reading my blog.

10. "You should be thankful you don't have a baby yet. Once you have one, you won't be able to _____ anymore!" (Insert whatever thing you can think of that is supposedly more important than a child. Yeah, when it's put it THAT way it's not so easy to say, is it?) Sadly, this one is most often said by mothers. Tell you what... I'll trade you my sleeping late, still hot meal, extra money, nice house, and childless vacations for your baby. Sound like a good deal? Didn't think so. Remember that next time you try and use this to "encourage" a struggling woman. Most of us would give the world to have cold meals and sleepless nights because of a child.

11. "Just stop trying, and that's probably when it will happen." Riiiiight. Nope, sorry, didn't work.

12. "So when are you going to have kids/make me a grandma/make me an aunt/uncle/great grandma/cousin??" or "Why aren't you pregnant yet??" It's bad enough when this question is asked when you don't know the person's struggles... once again, it's a very personal issue that is only your business if I make it your business. But once you DO know and you STILL ASK? Wow.

13. "HAVE YOU SEEN A DR???" Not everyone wants endless medical testing and expensive treatments that can promise nothing. Some choose the medical path, and that's fine. Others choose a more natural one, and that's fine too. Not everyone can afford medical intervention, and not everyone wants it. It doesn't mean one of us wants a baby more, or that she hurts less than the next woman. But don't ask. It's just rude.

So what CAN I say, you ask? In most cases, there's not much to say at all. Unless you've been there and honestly know what it's like, it's normally best to just support us with prayers, a shoulder to cry on, a voice to scream with, a passage of the Word that offers hope and encouragement, and (for those of us who don't mind it) hugs. People who offer their prayers and I KNOW they are really praying from the depths of their hearts bless me the most. Ask us what you can do to help, and most importantly, just be there when we need you.

*This is not directed at any one person.
If you have said these things to me or anyone else, just check yourself and move on with a resolution to do better next time. For those of you who are my close friends and closest relatives, you know that you are exempt from (some of) this list.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Thank God it's Monday?

Strange title, I know, but this weekend has been pretty tough and I can honestly say I'm a little glad to see it go. First of all, it rained all weekend. Rain is good, but it always depresses me a bit. Plus, it made us have to push back our pest control guy from spraying our yard for fleas! We've had a few fleas pop up on our little furbabies since we fostered that fluffy puff marshmallow a couple months ago and I.Do.Not.Like.Fleas.

I spent most of Saturday and some of Sunday cleaning out our (fully converted) garage. As I was cleaning and consolidating some boxes, I realized that at some point in time, one of the far corners - outside wall - had gotten water on it. Naturally I freak out and even more naturally my husband tries to calm me down. I called our water detective (aka "Dad") and he helped us try to figure it out. So far, we think it could be from a wall unit air conditioner (which does not get used often - right now, the "garage" is basically our storage room), our standing freezer, or from the outside. After a couple of experiments, we're thinking it is probably not coming in from outside, but we're not completely sure yet. *sigh* Talk about stress. Now I want to start knocking down the walls and checking for mold. Can we say over-reacting?

Friday and Sunday I was reminded yet again how much of a failure I am as a woman as the single lines on my HPTs glared back at me, taunting me. Such evil things, those single lines are. Three weeks ago I was ready to abandon all hope of ever having a child of my own blood (I want to adopt someday whether I ever give birth or not) then hope started to creep back in. I'm not so sure that hope is a good thing since the higher your hopes are, the more it hurts when they come crashing down on you. You know you've been trying to conceive for too long when you're sitting in the middle of a restaurant and a couple with a young son and teeny tiny newborn sit next to you and you spend the rest of your visit there trying not to bawl.

Sunday I found out that my grandmother is back in the hospital - this time with a blood infection. An infection which would otherwise not be that big of a deal for a healthy person got into her blood and became serious since her immune system is compromised due to the chemo she has been on. Please keep her (Jane) in your prayers. I also found out today that a friend/former co-worker's mother was in a pretty serious car accident. Thankfully she walked away from it with just some broken ribs and a few other injuries, but had there been someone in the passenger seat, that person may not have survived. My friend's young daughter was almost in that passenger seat! Thank the Lord for mother's intuition (or in this case, I think the Holy Spirit).

So I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm worried (and of course a little thankful) and I'm very glad that tomorrow is a new day. Let's just hope that the new day brings better news.

Pieces of Me

This song is dedicated to all women who don't quite feel complete, having lost or just not yet found all their missing pieces...

Pieces of Me

You're but a picture in my mind, just a song on my lips
A prayer towards heaven, all my lonely cries
Everything I've never known but have always missed

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

Face of an angel not in sight, yet forever in my eyes
The beat of my heart, rhythm not yet played
Every reason I am torn, can you tell me why?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

So close I can almost hear your voice
So near, your sweet breath upon my cheek
But still so far, just out of reach
Tell me will you come to me? When will you come to me?

Pieces of me, you're never around
We play hide and seek but you're never found
Riding on the tails of hope and faith
So hard to hang on; so hard to be free
So hard to believe... missing pieces of me

© Crystal M.H. 2007

The Eleven Letter "Four Letter Word"

Infertility. To me it has always sounded like an unreal too far away for me to comprehend word. One of those things I "understood" but never "got." A word I was sure I would never really have to deal with except for maybe in offering a tad bit of support for loved ones in their journey through it. Now it sounds like a nasty four-letter word. Infertility. It sounds so final, so uncaring, so matter of fact and judgmental.

I've never been one to like labels, especially when people tried to push them on me. I like to be who I am, not what others think of and attribute to me. This label is certainly no different. Well, actually it is different... the pain it brings cuts much deeper than any other label thrown my way. It was only in the past week or so that it really occurred to me that this label has been slapped on me, no matter what I think about it. No matter how hard I try, I just can't swallow that huge bite of life sucks!

Is it even possible to be in the denial stage and anger stage of grieving all at once? That's where I am right now, possibility or not. I've found myself angry with myself, the world, God, the people who say all the wrong things... and even though I can't accept that I could be "infertile" neither can I fully accept that I might not be. I really don't know what to think anymore.

A lovely woman who has battled this demon for far longer than my frail heart can even begin to comprehend sent me to this website, Stepping Stones, a Christian organization that offers support to couples dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. My first thought upon looking at the home page was, "I am not infertile!" Then the realization hit me, yet again like a semi, that according to the medical world definition of the word, I am. Then once I finally and carefully swallowed a tiny crumb of that huge bite of life sucks, I decided to read a few of the articles to see if I could find any comfort there. I'd do anything for comfort lately... to get back to the place where I was truly joyful and happy and in peace about things. To find rest in the arms of the Father who promised me that rest yet seems too far away to make good on it.

I stumbled upon an article on Infertility (there's that nasty word again!) and Anger, and there I was. I can identify with almost every bit of it. I found it almost funny (but not quite) that it compares the anger of infertility to the anger Moses felt towards God before Pharaoh freed His people. It struck me in such a way because I've compared myself to Moses before... not his good attributes, mind you... but his weak ones. His doubts of self, his strained belief in how God could truly use someone like him for great things... now I find myself facing yet another comparison to the man. I am angry at God much like He was, just for different reasons. (I'm obviously not trying to free thousands of people from the hands of a horrible, evil dictator... or, at least, that's not my day job.)

“O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all” (Exodus 5:22-23 NIV).

So many times I've heard my soul cry out, "O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon me? Is this really why you sent me here? I KNOW you sent me here in your name, yet I've had only trouble and you have not rescued me at all." It seems like a cruel joke to put such a deep desire in a person, push them out of their comfort zone in an attempt to fulfill that desire, then leave them standing there with empty arms. Why would God do that? Just what is He trying to do? Did He really lead me here just to leave me angry and hurting, empty and broken? Because that's where I am, and it's not like it came as a big surprise to Him.

I want to move past this... I want to be happy again. I want to spit out the big bite of life sucks and find true joy and peace and dance at the feet and rest in the arms of my Father again... but right now I'm stuck. When will I be set free from it? And if I am, will I have the courage and faith to face and walk through the parted Red Sea... or will it swallow me up and all my evil ways along with it? Will I be left to wander in the desert for years and years for my lack of faith?

Ah, Moses. So doubtful, so faltering, so angry. Much like me. Though unlike me, he still did what the Lord told him to do. He faced his demons, despite himself, and the people were freed. I guess only time will tell if I will be like him there too... but as of right now, my mouth is too full of this immense chunk of life sucks to tell God I surrender. Hopefully He'll slap me on the back hard enough to shake me to my senses before it chokes all the life out of me. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is too weak to even spit... so slap, dear God, slap away.