Tuesday, February 28, 2006

T Minus 22 Days!

We only have twenty two days until we close on our house. Oh yes... I guess I forgot to mention that we found one! And oh what a beauty she is. I would always roll my eyes or laugh everytime someone told me that when we walked in "our house" for the first time we would just know it. I guess I rolled too soon though, because I fell in love with this one from the moment I laid eyes on her. I caught it just as it went on the market, and we drove by it wondering to ourselves, "what is wrong with this house, that they have priced it so low?"

The neighborhood is so wonderful. The home is only a few years old, and it is surrounded by homes that are easily worth twice as much as it is. The yard is great, and the interior is a great size for us. It needs some cosmetic work (and a lot of elbow grease... apparently everyone's definition of "clean" is different!) but it can all be done in time.

We had our realtor write up the contract the night we viewed it. We offered, they countered, we accepted. We're getting it for a honey of a deal! My husband seems to think that the stressful part of our house hunting adventure is over with. But to me, this is the worst part!

Hi... my name is Crystal... and I'm a hoarder of all things chocolate. Oh, and money too. ;o) I know that I do not "love" money... but I sure do hate to spend what I have... and I certainly hate to not have any at all! So this has been very difficult for me. It seems like everytime I turn around, there's someone else wanting some of our hard earned green stuff! An inspector there... an appraiser here... a lender there... another inspector right over here. Each check is painful to write! I've rather enjoyed watching our money grow in our bank account... behaving all nicely and earning all that interest. But it's slowly trickling down and by the end of it, it will be over half way gone! Oh oh oh! I don't like this one bit. *lol* Perhaps God is trying to teach me to just be able to let it go. I think I'm afraid of having nothing. That is not a place I ever want to find myself again. A part of me thinks if I can just hold on to some of this cash, we would always be comfortable... but I know that's not a rational thought.

My husband has always been the confident one when it comes to trusting the Lord. It almost seems to come easy to him. Perhaps God has blessed him with that because if he were like me, we'd be in serious trouble! God has certainly placed us in certain situations and has gotten us through different circumstances and trials that have caused me to put more trust in Him... and also in my husband. There have been a few decisions we (or he) have made that I just could not see how they would work out... but God has been so merciful. He has created paths for us that no one else could... and He has walked us through places that don't make sense to the naked worldly eye but in hind's sight have been the best and most beautiful places through which we have been yet. He's allowed me to hit rock bottom spiritually so I could finally start to truly understand what His love and grace is all about and see but a glimpse of His glorious character. By taking us through doors that seemed to be leading down paths that were dead ends, He has proven that even though His ways don't always make sense to us or anyone around us, we absolutely cannot fail by submitting to His will.

So why does this trusting thing come so hard for me? You'd think that by now I would have learned my lesson. How much longer will I reply to God's words, "just trust me... I will never fail you" with a smug, "Oh yeah? Prove it!" instead of a humble "yes, Lord."

I'd love to tell myself that if He gets me through these next 22 days, that will be enough... it will be the final line in my pattern of trust for Him... but I know better! I'm not sure my flesh is capable of that amount of trust. I fear that I will fear until the day that I die. Surely not though... surely at some point I will be able to submit it completely to God and allow His peace to fill those places of my soul and transform those doubts in my mind to knowledge of His faithfulness. But until then, I just hope these next 22 days don't drive me insane. ;o)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"Finding myself at a loss for words..."

I can hardly believe it has been a week since I've "blogged." For a girl who usually has no trouble at all talking someone's ear off, I have had such a hard time trying to think of anything to talk about in the past several days. So I think perhaps I will just start "talking" and see where I end up.

First of all, I read back over my first few entries and I must say that sometimes I surprise myself. How in the world did I come up with some of this stuff? *laughs* Not that it isn't all true... it is... but I just don't know where it came from. Sometimes I sit back and go over music I wrote and have the same thoughts. It's almost like I'm reading or listening to words and music from someone else's tongue. If you know me in person, you know I'm not an eloquent speaker at all... quite the opposite, really. Often times, I fumble over my words and say the wrong words more than I say the correct ones.

When I take a deep breath and think of the calling I believe the Lord has on my life, I believe that I must feel much like Moses when he said to His God, "... I speak with faltering lips!" But not only do I speak with faltering lips, I sing with quivering voice! *wink*

How I would love to get away with just being a "behind the scenes" type person. I'll pen the words, you speak them! I'll write the music, you sing it! But will the Author of this music and these words grant me this simple request? Will He delight Himself in me as I sit back lounging in the hammock of my comfort zone? Or will he be like the mother eagle who pushes her young out of the safety, security, and coziness of the nest... knowing that her babies must endure that hardship so that their wings might strengthen, enabling them to fly? Something tells me that this baby birdie won't be allowed to stay in the warm, cozy nest forever. Well, in reality, it's more than just something... it's more like somethings. Not only do I believe it to be true of my own accord (which I admit to rather reluctantly) I am told this by others. It could be one of the reasons I have checked out of church for so long... people tried to push me too far too fast into doing things I'm too afraid and not ready or able to do at this time. Can't you just see me desperately hanging onto the edge by my little pinky toenail here?

Not only do I think the Lord is trying to push me out of my comfortable nest... He must also be trying to teach me patience! We put in an offer on a house almost a week ago, and we are still waiting to hear about it. It's more than a little frustrating. Honestly, I'm okay with either way it could go... but what I'm not okay with is the not knowing. *laughs* I want to know if I can start picking out colors and furniture and decorative items. What size and color fridge will I need to buy to match the existing appliances... when can I start packing up our stuff and moving it from this dreadful apartment!? Or if not that, can I at least know it's time to move on down to the next house? We are at a stand still, and I've never really been a "stand still" type of girl! I'm not sure if I need a Sharpie answer for this one... but the 2-Day Air Mail option sounds great right about now!

I think I will leave you with some words to a favorite song by MercyMe, "Word of God Speak" For some reason I find the words quite fitting for me tonight...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice


I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

One Day

My husband is a wonderful man. In fact, I really could never say enough good about him. He is so intelligent, witty... so very handsome and strong. He makes me laugh like no one else, comforts me like no one else, and brings a smile to my face just by the mere thought of him... like no one else. He is the only man besides my father to ever love me. Why he loves me is something I'm not sure I will ever understand... but I will accept it and cherish it. Yes it is no secret that I am truly and abundantly blessed to be called his wife.

But alas, like all other things in this world that are too good to be true... there is a problem. He is hurt. He hurts. Constantly and badly. Because of the indiscresion of one person and the ignorance of a handful of others... he is permanently and severely injured. This of course does not affect our love for each other, but it does affect our lives... his mostly.

It's with him constantly, and many times he hides it well so no one else is touched by it. But I know... I know it's always there. I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it... and it drives me mad. Why does such a bad thing have to happen to such a good individual? Why can't all the prayers offered on his behalf by not only me but countless others move the heart of God enough to bring him some relief? Why does he have to go through this... so young with so much life ahead of him... and why, oh why can't I take it from him?

Tonight someone asked me about it... she doesn't really know me, so she didn't know the story. As I sat and typed it all out, reliving the parts I could rememer, I just started to break down. It's just not fair that someone so caring and so undeserving of such pain has to endure it. It's not fair that he has to go work enough to fill several person's shoes in pain the whole time, while I get to work at home comfortable and for the most part, pain free. It was then, as I finished telling this person of this situation, that I decided I would trade all the happiness I could ever experience for the rest of my life... if only I could just take his pain upon myself and give him relief for just one week... even one day. I would do it and then some. Why doesn't the Lord allow us to make deals like that? It's not like I want to give him the world (although I would love to if I could...) I just want to give him a chance to remember what it feels like to not be hurting. A day to just enjoy life and do whatever he wanted to do without fear of the pain that it would inevitably bring.

I would take it forever... though I'm not sure I'm strong enough. But one day... I could give him at least one day... if only I could...