Can't Wait

With a huge grin on his face he happily exclaims, "I can't wait!" when talking about the Adopted Child To Be.
You realize that the years of pain and torture and seemingly endless roller coaster of emotions will be worth it when you see him hold it all in his hands for the very first time.

Even if he doesn't cry.
But you know he will, if only in his soul.

That moment won't erase the forever pain, for pain is ever present when a part of your heart is not.
But it will dress a wound.

Time will stand still.
Dreams will no longer be a thing of sleep.

A man will grow up to be a dad.
And like that man, I just can't wait.

Hey you, put God back in that box

Grace is something I've struggled to understand for quite some time now. I think I've always seen God in a very punitive manner. Like many people, I have grown up putting God in a box. It's more comfortable that way, you know, seeing Him in this box I built based on preconceived ideas and decorated with my skewed sense of His character. To me, He's always been the scary God waiting for me to mess up so He could put me in my place. This breaks my heart to a degree that I cannot even express.

I'm not entirely sure why I believed this. God has never dealt with me with a heavy hand. Not even when I'm so angry at Him I could quite literally spew all manner of ungodliness at Him does He spiritually whack me. I deserved it. Oh, I did, and still do I'm sure. No. He's never been that way. He's always been the gentle but firm, loving and wonderful God.

I think much of what I believe about Him has been shaped by what I've seen in my life. I'm not sure I can think of many parental figures I watched as I grew up that took the grace path of parenting. Most in my circle were extremely punitive, harshly so, and very strict. Some of them were even frighteningly strict. There was little grace. I didn't even realize what I was looking at until recently when I began to explore more deeply the idea of grace. It was all I saw and I thought it just is what it is and that's all there is. So my entire life, I have been assigning very human parenting ideals to God. I knew what grace was but could not reconcile it to Him because I did not fully see Him in that way. My box. My pretty, little box. Yet now as I struggle to understand grace, I see I had it so wrong. As He always does, He's breaking down those walls with which I tried to confine Him.

I'm seeing now that the vision I had of Him up there waiting to strike me down is so far off. If He was going to strike me down, I'd already be down. I've harbored anger towards Him for a long time. I've argued with Him, whined to Him, and told Him I didn't like these cards I've been dealt and His response has never been harsh. Sometimes there's not much of a response, or at least I haven't seen it, but it's never been harsh. Not once. He's never punished me. He has taught me and walked with me and discipled me and guided me. Some of the lessons I've learned have not been easy. Some of them have been painful. But He has never hurt me.

When I took a step back and examined this aspect of my life and realized these things it took me entirely by surprise. And now here I am, struggling to understand grace, when grace has been right in front of me my entire life. I just missed it. I was too busy waiting for the blow. The lightning. The punishment. I was blinded by my misconceptions and preconceived ideas, and started to perceive difficult things in my life as punishment or God's withholding of grace from me. Not so much the infertility. Even I know better than that. But other things that have been with me for longer, and things to come. Or rather things I was expecting to come yet never did.

I'm His strong-willed child. I admit that I'm a handful. And yet, somehow His hands are big enough, and He handles me with grace. Somehow He teaches me with a gentle leading and not the blows to the head I so deserve. Somehow He gets through my thick skull in the most merciful of ways. He digs deep down into my core beliefs and says, "Nuh-uh. This isn't me. THIS is me. And this is who I want you to be."

He's quite amazing, you see, in His dealings with me. The perfect model of what I long to become. I have a long way to go, but my box is broken and that's a start.

Good article on adoption

I think I will be skipping this week's "Hey! That's Handmade". Look for the next installment sometime after the new year! :o)

Someone on a forum posted this awesome article on adoption. I gleaned so much from it and had to share.

http://touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=20-04-026-f

"Whether our background is Norwegian or Haitian or Indonesian, if we are united to Christ, our family genealogy is found not primarily in the front pages of our dusty old family Bible but inside its pages, in the first chapter of the Gospel of Matthew."

Don't you just love that? This article has so much good insight into adoption in both the spiritual and physical sense. The author speaks of his and his wife's experience adopting two sons from Russia, the rude questions people asked them concerning the adoptions, and the spiritual journey that followed.

It is a very long article, but a great read that I know you will enjoy whether you long to adopt or not. After all, if you are His, you are adopted.

If you decide to read it, please let me know what you think!

The beauty & light within

I found this quote today and thought it was really neat and so very true, so I thought I'd share.

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." ~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Darkness surely has been setting in for me and for many others I know as well. I can only hope that there's enough light in me to keep me beautiful until the next sunrise.

On Hope & Grace

"Hope is for the people who have not yet found grace."

This is the quote I left you to ponder on a few weeks ago. I've put a lot of thought into it since then. I'm not quite sure why, but it really wiggled itself into my brain and embedded itself there. It's one of those things that can be looked at from many different angles, and here are my many thoughts on it at present.

Hope, according to dictionary.com, means, "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best". To me, hope is the thing that drives us forward, pushing us on in life. Without hope, why would we keep on running? Without hope, how could we keep moving forward even when things are difficult? If not for hope, wouldn't we just give up? Whether it is hope in God or hope that we'll get that promotion, or hope that our loved one battling an illness will get the needed cure... hope is what keeps us looking to that goal. When the hope is gone, so is the drive and the vision.

The past year has been, for me, hell on earth. I've lost so much. I've been broken so many times. I feel as though what thin shreds of hope I had and was hanging on to with my little fingers have been snapped and forcefully yanked from my existence. I've experienced death in ways I had not yet experienced. Not only in the death of a dear loved one, but also in the death of a dream. With these deaths I feel as though I've experienced yet another death... and that is of whatever hope and innocence I had left. There's nothing like watching someone you love gasp her last breaths to hit you upside the head with real life. It's hard to believe the world is an alright place after that. And after having to die to a dream, it's impossible to keep your naivety.

Almost two years ago, I wrote about what I thought was a loss of something dear to me. It's so hard for me now to read that and see just how naive to the world I was. Are you kidding me? I cried over a house? A house? Two years can really change a person. I've grown so much since then and so much has changed. In some ways, good and in other ways, bad. Either way, I'm not the same person at all. Dreams have died, people have died, hope has died, and along with them some of me has died. I'd like to think that part of that death is not only my naivety but also some of my insensitivity and some of my immaturity. I look at things differently now. I don't debate until I'm blue in the face anymore. I try to walk a mile in someone's shoes instead of just speaking to them in Christianese.

I'd like to say that my faith has grown, but in reality some of it has died too. Not all of it. There's still plenty to keep me going on, but it's not the same. I don't look at the church the same, nor do I look at God in the same way. I've been hit with the harsh reality that His knowledge and sovereignty far surpass my dreams and desires and hope. Even when you know His way is best, sometimes it still hurts.

In many ways, hope to me has become a pain in the neck. I've been saying for the past year that the higher your hopes, the more they hurt when they come crashing down on you. It seems like it would be easier to not hope at all. But without hope, we would cease to move. Or at least *I* would cease to move. And unless we're moving, we won't reach our destination. What is that destination, you ask? For me and I'm sure for many of you as well, it has always been grace. Just as I see hope as the thing that drives us forward, I see grace as the thing we're moving towards. The resting place where we can hang our hats and find something else we hope for - peace. I believe it is impossible to find peace if you're not in grace ("grace" here meaning God's freely given grace and favor). So I guess this is why that quote hit me so deeply. I've been hoping and hoping and not finding what I want... but what I want apparently isn't what I need. My hope was misplaced, and has been dying a slow and painful death. What is left is me, bare and broken, on this road supposedly moving towards my destination via a very painful detour.

His grace is sufficient, but I've been so caught up in hope that I've failed to rest in that fact. If I can just find that grace and rest in it, the little-left hope, which can be wishy-washy and uncertain, will turn into something much more steadfast. Faith. While hope is just that... hope... "I hope for such and such", I see faith as a firm belief. You don't just hope for it to be, you know it will. And if I'm in grace, my will aligned with His, then my faith will be true and aimed where it should. Not where I might want it to be, but where He wants it to be... and I'll know that even though this world is harsh and kills my hopes and dreams... my faith will never fail me because it is in Him.

The hope drives me towards grace. In that grace I can rest and find peace in the One who never fails me. Realizing this and standing on it is faith. So for me (and the Prison Break dude, perhaps) hope is for the people who have not yet found grace... because once you find His grace, it's all you really need.

Thoughts on becoming a mother

The past few days have been difficult for me for a variety of reasons. One of those is some things said about me by some people with whom I used to share my heart. But it's ok, because I know everything happens for a reason. Or at least I try to keep believing that. Sometimes it is really hard.

I found this online, and I do not know who wrote it, but I thought it was lovely and deserving of an audience here at The Song of My Soul. I hope you enjoy.


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Lifehouse: Everything

I came across this video tonight and thought it was too amazing to not share.

I watched it twice and cried both times! Hope you enjoy:

Oldies but Goodies

Someone on a forum I'm on asked what our favorite passages of scripture are. I have a few that have meant a lot to me lately, so I thought I'd share here too.

2 Cor 2:15
"For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing."

I just love the picture there... being to God the fragrance of Christ. It gives me chills. Can't you just picture God breathing us in and saying, "Aaah, my Son!" I love that.

Ephesians 3:17-19
"That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

This has been a favorite since the Lord showed me in a mighty way a few years ago how full and unconditional His love really is. I wrote a song based on this passage.

Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
18 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
19 The LORD God [c] is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills."

This one is special to me just because of what I've been going through in life right now. It helps me to remember where my strength comes from and that even all of this stuff is not going right, YET I am to rejoice in him.

Romans 5:3-5
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Of course, I already blogged on this one here. But it's still a favorite, because I'm still living it!

Malachi 3:3
"He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver..."

God has shown me a lot about this concept as I've learned to work with silver. One of these days, I'll finish typing it up and share it here.

And finally...

Psalm 30:11-12
"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."

... because I know I won't be in this tough place forever.

So do you have favorites? What are they and why?

She's Dancing...

For those of you that do not yet know, my beloved granny went home to be with our Lord (and her husband who passed 26 yrs ago) on Saturday morning. She was loved by many and especially by me. She was always one of my favorite people in the whole world. I attribute my stubbornness to her. ;o) I'm so thankful to know that she considered my Lord her own and that she's in His presence now, worshiping without her sick, earthly body holding her down anymore.

Today I was looking through and singing some of the songs I have written in the past, and there were a couple I just could not get through. This one in particular I wrote a few years ago when I had an image of a child dancing with her daddy, all clumsy-like, as you would expect a child to be... then the daddy catching her and putting her feet on his as he dances for her. The child, totally captivated by his love for her, looks up into his face admiring who he is. This song was born out of that image, and after getting through my boohoos and probably staining my husband's guitar with my tears, I played through it again this afternoon and smiled. It's not just an image in my granny's mind, it is now her reality.

Just to Dance

Let your presence cover me now
So close that I can feel your heart
And hear your song of love beat within
You smile at me and bring me in

Just to dance in your glory
Fall like a child into your arms
Just to gaze into your beauty
In total awe of who you are

Surround me Jesus, your light is peace
Saturate me in your love
Flood my soul with your precious fire
Lord, you're my one desire

Just to dance in your glory
Fall like a child into your arms
Just to gaze into your beauty
In total awe of who you are

Who you are is all I've hoped for
You are everything I need
Oh Lord, what I long for
Is for your face to shine on me
Come shine on me

And oh to dance in your glory
Fall like a child into your arms
Just to gaze into your beauty
In total awe of who you are

© Crystal M.H. 2007

Dance on, granny... dance on.

I'm weak, thank God!

I'm sure you've heard it. I know I have, more than one too many times! "God never gives us more than we can handle." Am I the only one who doesn't agree with this or that thinks it is firmly founded in anything other than the Word?

I've seen people use 1 Corinthians 10:13 to justify it, but the Greek word used in that passage is most often used in the context of tempting and not trying, and that's what the context of the chapter suggests to me as well. Mostly when I hear people use that cliché, they are referring to difficult times, not really temptations. Trials are not the same as temptations. I suppose that in the midst of a trial, we could be tempted, but I see trials as things God allows us to experience for the purpose of His glory and our growth in Him while temptations are things satan uses to appeal to our carnal nature in hopes that we will sin and move farther away from Him.

So is this cliché Biblical? Is it true? Is anyone else tired of hearing it, reading it, trying to wrap your mind around it? I'll be quite honest here and say that I do not think it is necessarily Biblical, nor do I think it is true in all instances. I used to believe it... you know how you hear something often enough and it starts to ring true, even if it is not? However, these days I'm leaning less and less on that and more and more towards the opinion that God gives us trials we cannot handle. That's right. I just said that. I believe our gracious and loving Father gives us things that are more complex, more difficult, and more painful than our human minds, emotions, and bodies can possibly handle.

Now before you start casting stones or vow to never read my blog again, let me explain. If we could handle everything the Lord handed us, why would we ever need Him? What would keep us from getting puffed up in ourselves and thinking that if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything... when, in reality, it wasn't us, it was God in us that brought us through? Doesn't it make sense that He, in His infinite love and unmatched power, could see past what we can handle into what we need and give us that instead? What is it we need? Sometimes we need to be strengthened... some of the things we go through serve to strengthen US. Our resolve, our faith, our patience and even our bodies. But other things serve to strengthen Him in us and sometimes the only way for that to happen is through our being made weak, broken, and torn. I no longer believe that God wants us to praise Him out of every trial we go through, and see us come out victorious and stronger on the other side. I believe that sometimes He wants a trial to weaken us, to break us so that we will learn to praise Him and give Him glory IN the trial and because of the trial for what He's doing with the trial.

Paul learned to not boast about his accomplishments (and he had many) but rather to boast about his weaknesses because God showed him that it was in his weaknesses that Christ's power rested upon him! (2 Corinthians 12) Sometimes we have to be broken before we will reach out for Him or cease control and allow Him to prove powerful in our lives. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

So does God give us more than we can handle? Yes. At least that has become my belief. But what He also does is promise to be there with us and use everything for His glory and for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know I'll be trying to learn to boast in my weaknesses (and I have many!). I want Him to prove strong in me. How about you?

In Other Words: The Blood

“At the heart of the story stands the cross of Christ where evil did its worst and met its match.” ~ John Wenham

There are so many good things that have already been said of this quote this week, that I don't feel like I have too much to add. There are two things keep running through my mind. One is that evil is NO match for the glory and power of God. Though I am sure that was not Wenham's intent. :o) Two is I love how he mentions that "evil did its worst". A lot of times we look to our salvation and the events that brought it about as a wonderful thing - and don't get me wrong, it is wonderful indeed! - but we easily forget the agony that went along with it.

Iris mentioned The Passion of the Christ. I vividly remember the day after my lovely husband and I watched that movie, sitting in my chair, getting angry with God for having Jesus - the one and only perfect One EVER - take all of MY "crud" upon His perfect self. Imagine that! Being mad over the very thing that saved my soul. It just seemed so unfair. What He went through was brutal, and He deserved none of it, but I did and didn't get it. What I didn't deserve and yet was given anyway was Him taking it upon Himself. But that's what the grace of God is... what He gives to us even though we are unworthy and undeserving of even the smallest drop of it. It took me a little while to come to terms with that, and I'm glad that I went through those angry moments because I feel as though it has made me appreciate the gift a little more. I've always been one of those people that requires a swift knock to the head to "get it" sometimes when it comes to God's love and grace. Seeing it so vividly and having to come to terms with the horror of it and the fact that it was for me (and you) was a big knock.

I'll end now with a poem I wrote when I was around 14. Yes, it's quite old but the message still rings true and fits with this week's quote and the Passover season, so I thought I would share.

The Blood

As blood flowed down His thorn-crowned head
The people shouted, ''This Christ, He's dead!''
No one assumed, they could not understand
That this crimson blood would save the souls of man

They carried Him to the tomb, and there laid Him down
The blood still clinging to His bruised, scarred crown
As they sealed the grave, they could not conceive
That this blood held power to cleanse all who believe

The third day came, when He rose up again
The scars were still there, but no was blood on Him!
He gave up his life; shed His precious blood for all
Now our lives we must give Him in answer to His call

The power is so great, our minds cannot understand
The love God expressed for us when He revealed His plan
This power is still flowing, coming down like a flood
So will you believe in the Power of the Blood?

© Crystal M.H. 2007

Please visit Iris at Sting my Heart for more on this week's quote.

Shedding a Sock of Sorrow

Trials. Pain. Healing. Praise. These are all hard for me, especially lately. You know, you can hear the same thing over and over again so many times it starts to sound like a broken record, yet only allow it to sink into the true depths of your soul after you've heard it just one more time. I'm not sure why things take so long to seep in sometimes, but I had one of those moments today.

I've been pouring over the passage in Romans 5 now for some time. You know it, I'm sure. The one that tells me I'm supposed to be rejoicing in my suffering to the end result of hope. Hope has been plaguing me a lot lately too because the higher your hopes, the more it hurts when they come crashing down on you. The passage, however, of course refers to hope in God and His salvation for us - which never fails or disappoints.

One of the things I like to do when I'm studying a small portion of the Word is to read it in many translations and versions. For the first part of verse 3, one in particular caught my eye:

"But that's not all! We gladly suffer..." (Contemporary English Version)

Gladly suffer. That's a far cry from what many people say when they reference trials and tribulations. "Pray and praise your way through it!" with the emphasis on "through it" is common, not "praise because of it". Yet when you examine this passage and the one in James 1 ("Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials..." - NAS) it seems to me like we're supposed to be rejoicing because of it, not just so we can get through it. It's there for a reason with a specific purpose in mind, and we're supposed to be thankful for it because of what God is using it to accomplish in us (hope in Him, perfection/maturity).

Having been plagued with this for a while now seeing that for at least the past year I've felt deeply encompassed by one particular trial, and for even more years by yet another one - and for neither of which have I ever been able to raise my head towards heaven with the purpose of thanking Him; today I found myself in a new place. As I read something that was so much like so many things I have read and heard for so long, something clicked and as naturally as a baby cries when it is hungry, my eyes closed and I thanked God for the trial. I'm not quite sure that I meant it, and it was fleeting, but it was still a milestone to me. All along I've been pleading and begging and asking why - yearning for hope, peace, endurance and a meaning to it all; but I've never been able to thank Him for it and whatever He's trying to do with it. The idea sounds pretty close to absurd to the human mind, so it is a very hard concept to grasp. It's not just the final stage of grief, "acceptance", it goes so far beyond that.

I'm not sure if tonight when I lay down to go to sleep or tomorrow when I get up, I'll be able to thank Him again... but today, right now, I'll be thankful for the small things. This one little "aha" moment that helped me shed just a little bit of these rags of sorrow. A sock, perhaps? Who knows, I may kick this thing yet and be able to honestly say:

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12; NIV)

In Other Words: Make Harmony, Not War

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before...either into a creature that is in harmony with God,...or into one that is in a state of war with God. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other." ~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Ahh, did C.S. Lewis ever write anything that wasn't just totally deep? Every time I read something from him, no matter how many times I've read it before, I'm always amazed at the insight and wisdom God gave this man. What a quote Christine picked this week! It reminds me of something my dad told me just in the past few weeks: "You are the sum total of the decisions you make on a daily basis". It is just so true. Even the smallest seemingly insignificant things I do from day to day are, in fact not only actions from my soul, but they act upon my soul as well; taking me either closer to or further from my goal (intimacy with God). It's really a sobering thought.

I'm also reminded of something else my dad said to me, though this was many years ago. He said that everything you see or do feeds you, either nourishing your carnal flesh or your spirit. Whomever you feed the most is the one that will be in control.

For a while now I've been thinking that I'm not really moving forward or backward - I'm just being still, being stagnant. But now I wonder (realize, really) that isn't true at all. I don't think I've ultimately progressed or regressed, but what I have done is taken a step forward and a couple back. Four forward and two back. Two forward and three back. So even though it may seem to me like I haven't moved at all, I've really been doing the cha-cha the whole time (you know me, I've never been a good dancer). *wink*

I need to start making sure I feed my spirit more, much more, than my carnal flesh. This keeps running through my head: "... or into one that is in a state of war with God." A state of war with God! If that doesn't put the fear of God into you, I don't know what will.

Please stop by and visit this week's host, Christine at Fruit in Season, to read her thoughts and visit other IOW participants. :o)

The God of Mission

“It is insufficient to proclaim that the Church of God has a mission in the world. Rather, the God of mission has a Church in the world.” ~ Tim Dearborn

I don't know about you, but when I first read this quote I wasn't automatically taken by it. Then the more I thought about it, the more I saw how profound it really is. At first glance, I just saw the word "mission" as it pertains to "missionaries". I'm not ashamed to admit that while I have a deep respect for people with a heart for work in what most people consider "the mission field", and I love to support that work, I have never felt a calling or tugging in my heart to partake in anything more than support of it. So, I struggled with whether or not I wanted to participate this week. (As always! Can you tell I'm quite indecisive?) ;o)

However, I think if I just left it there I would have missed out. I read it more carefully and seriously pondered the phrase, "the God of mission". Our God has a mission in this world. What is that mission? I believe it is proclaiming His own glory and presenting His truth to His creation (us), and then developing an intimate relationship with His creation (via salvation through Christ) to the perfecting (maturing to the result of mirroring Himself) of that creation. He then commissions his people to reach others in many ways shapes and forms. While the most widely accepted definition of "missionary" is one part of God's mission, it definitely doesn't end there and it does not show the whole of it. Each of us (us being His "church") has a different and unique calling from God on our lives to become mature in Him and further His mission. Some do it in Indonesia, some in Indiana, some in Internet land, some in their home.

In the past, I've written in this blog a little about what I think is part of my mission in life and how I'm great at running from it because it forces me to jump out of my comfort zone, and if you know anything about me at all, you know I'm a comfort-loving gal! It's sort of easy to forget lately with everything else going on in my life, so it's good for me to participate in these things and get these gentle nudges to keep it in the front of my mind. I'm always a little afraid that I'll be a little too timid for just a little too long and miss out on what God has for me. Maybe someone needs to make it their mission in life to not nudge me, but shove me. *giggle* (Did you read that, Lord? I was only kidding...) ;o)

Because it has been running through my head for most of the time I've been writing this post, I'll leave you with the words to a song I wrote a few years ago that I believe is not only the core of my mission as a Christian, but yours as well - reflecting His glory.


Reflection

Silver so impure
Fashion me by your design
Wash me in your fire
That my soul may be refined

'Til all you see is your glory
A portrait of your heart; the colors of your love
A canvas for your artistry
The masterpiece you breathed life into
Make me a reflection of you

From your mighty hands
To each contour of your face
I will mirror you
Be an image of your grace

'Til all you see is your glory
A portrait of your heart; the colors of your love
A canvas for your artistry
The masterpiece you breathed life into
Make me a reflection of you

© Crystal M.H. 2007

Don't forget to visit Laurel Wreath, this week's host, and read her thoughts on the quote. :o)

Why I Believe

"If I'd abandon all that seeks to make my faith informed and chic, could You, would You, show Yourself to me?" ~ Nichole Nordeman

When I first read this quote, I wasn't sure what it meant. Even after reading the entire song, I still wasn't sure if I had anything of value to add this week. After spending most of the evening and night last night feeling pretty sick, I decided I would just skip this week. Then this afternoon, I decided to look at it one more time and see if anything came to me. Call me crazy, attribute it to OCD, whatever... but I felt bad skipping a week, especially since I just joined in on this. *smile*

It finally dawned on me that this quote sort of represents the last several years of my life. I was raised a Christian, in a Christian home, with God fearing parents. We only missed church when we were sick. I even went to a Christian school for my high school years. So everywhere I turned, there was God. I grew up believing the same things my parents believed. I took everything our pastors would say as truth. I took my faith in God for granted. It was my life, of COURSE I believed it all. Right?

It wasn't until a while after I married that I realized I knew what I believed, I just didn't really know why I believed it. I mean, obviously, I believed it because it was how I was raised. But why? I was extremely close minded and approached the Word with preconceived ideas. It wasn't until I sought to shed those ideas and approach His Word with an open mind and heart that He truly began to reveal Himself to me, precious facets of Himself that can just blow your mind. My beliefs didn't change so much... at least not in the big things that matter. But rather I started to see why I believed what I did (other than just being taught that way my entire life), and why His Word is the only truth. It was at that point that I ceased to be a follower of man, making my faith be whatever information people gave me - whatever was "chic" and right to them, and instead became a real follower of Christ.

Don't get me wrong. I was saved as a child, and I still believe to this day I was saved as a child. I understood what I was taught, I just didn't understand all the whys. My knowledge of God was very surface level. My relationship with Him was there and real, but it wasn't something extremely deep that I constantly pursued. I didn't have the deep desire to grab on to His coattails and hang on for dear life. The switch was on, but the light was dimmed by the thickness of my selfishness, stubbornness, and preconceived ideas. It took growing up and getting out on my own, and being tested in my beliefs for me to see God revealing Himself as I firmly planted my feet on the ground of those beliefs for the right reasons.

I hope that makes sense. If not, blame my migraine and OCD. *smile*

Don't forget to visit Fruit in Season, this week's host, and read her thoughts on the quote. :o)

In Other Words - Skimming is not my friend

"Those who read fast reap no more advantage than a bee would by only skimming over the surface of the flower, instead of waiting to penetrate into it, and extract its sweets." ~ Madame Jeanne Guyon

Hi, I'm Crystal. I'm a skimmer. Not so much when I read the Word in study, but in everything else. See, I have a short attention span and even though I love to read, I have a hard time concentrating on something that doesn't especially hold my interest. I have to consciously slow down and make myself focus, or else I'll end up reading the same thing over and over and over again with no more knowledge of what I just read than I had before I started. The whole skimming thing has never worked for me. If I tried it in school, I wouldn't be able to answer the questions. If I try to skim an article, I'll never remember important information. If I skim a friend's email or internet posts, I'll miss the fine details of their lives. Skimming just does not work at all for someone like me, especially since I already have a horrible memory.

Obviously, I have already found the wisdom in this week's quote to be true in many aspects of my life. However, the quote is pertaining specifically to skimming while reading the Bible. When I open up the Word to study, I read slowly and try to understand what I'm reading. But honestly, I don't think even that is enough to truly extract all the sweetness of His Word. It wasn't until I bought a good concordance that I realized how much goodness we miss out on when we read from our translation of choice. SO much is truly lost in translation. That is why I appreciate Bible studies that put a lot of emphasis into original language study of the passages or topics on which the study is based.

I admire people who really dig deep and embrace the full meaning of scripture instead of just what we have in our favorite translation. Following in those footsteps and learning to do that myself has opened up my eyes to several things in scripture that I would have missed had I not learned this valuable lesson. I think if more people would do this, then perhaps less scripture would be taken out of context and more growth would happen from the understanding gained in this practice.

If you don't study the Word in this way, I urge you to give it a shot. I promise it is worthwhile. Don't skim, but don't stop there. Dive DEEP into the scriptures, plunging past the limits of our English language translations so you don't miss some of the sweetest droplets of the nourishing nectar that is God's Word.

(And remind me to do the same.) ;o)

Don't forget to visit Laurel Wreath, this week's host, and read her thoughts on the quote. :o)

In Other Words - Oh Me of Little Faith

"We are urgent about the body; He is about the soul. We call for present comforts; He considers our everlasting rest. And therefore when He sends not the very things we ask, He hears us by sending greater than we can ask or think." ~ Richard Cecil

I can be quite short sighted. Often times, I can't even see past my own nose. My rotten circumstances and the things I desperately want and feel I have a right to gain are surefire ways of clouding my vision. Lately though, I've been forced (quite against my own will, I might add) to gain some perspective. You see, I don't really like gaining perspective all that much because it almost always means stepping out of my box, moving on, and putting up with pain. These are not things I relish doing! However, in dealing with deep unfulfilled desires for the past year and a half (which has undoubtedly pushed me out of my box, given me little to no choice but to move on, and dealt me lots of pain) I've come to realize that my faith isn't what I thought it was. I'd love to be one of those women who say, "My faith is what gets me up every morning." but if I said that, I think it would only be a half truth. My faith keeps me hoping for more faith and keeps that still, quiet knowledge in my soul that things will be okay, no matter what... but really, the only thing that gets me through each day is just the fact that I have no other choice.

A lot of people lose their faith over things like this. That thought both saddens me and terrifies me. Really, a situation such as I'm in can turn out to be such a defining moment for a human being. It not only brings to the surface who they really are (and are not), it's also impossible to walk away from unchanged. I wonder very often why God has put me here and what I'm supposed to be doing with it. I don't think that losing my faith is the right answer, *lol*, and I don't think it's the final answer I'll find at the end of the road. At the moment, my faith isn't what I thought it was, and it's definitely not what I want it to be, and it has been damaged... but I don't believe that is my endgame. God hasn't given me 26 years of a life with Himself to let me fall off the wagon completely. He hasn't brought me up from the lowest of lows only to see me be destroyed.

My faith in Him should be more desirable and precious than anything else. Nothing is worth losing that faith. A few years ago when I had no hope, He taught me that He'll never give up on me. When I was sure He couldn't love me, He showed me but a tiny glimpse of what His unconditional love really means. I wonder if now, through my lack of faith that has been made apparent as I wake up each day to unanswered prayers and shattered dreams, He is trying to teach me what faith is truly supposed to be. Or maybe I'm just over analyzing my short stick. ;o) Either way, let's hope that this unanswered prayer does do some good someday, somehow.

Always Here

Periodically I like to read through my poetry and play through a few of my songs. Going over them today, this song stood out to me. I wrote it a couple years back during a time that was hard, but when I could still plainly see God's hand in my life and feel His peace. In my heart of hearts, I know He's still there... I just can't seem to find Him lately. I don't know how to get back to the place of His peace. So much of me has been broken down, there's not much left other than pain and anger and that's pretty scary. Too many people lose their faith and abandon God over such deep pain... the thought absolutely terrifies me. I so desperately want to be assured that He's here with me, just like always. I know it's true, I just can't feel it... but then again, Christianity and faith aren't supposed to be based on feelings. I guess that's why they call it faith, it's not tangible. I could definitely use an extra dose of that stuff lately along with a good shot of reassurance.


Always Here

I feel the joy of your mighty rain pouring down
I hear the wind whispering your name
I see the clouds breaking way for your majesty
It's so clear to me that right now, right now

I see you, I see your power
I feel you, I feel your grace
It's times like these I know you're near me
You're always here... always here

Each time I fall your gentle hands lift me up
Captivating me in your perfect love
And though it seems there's a mountain in front of me
What's so clear to me is right now, right now

I see you, I see your power
I feel you, I feel your grace
It's times like these I know you're near me
You're always here... always here

And when I fear, you quiet me in your love
As you rejoice over me and sing!

I see you, I see your power
I feel you, I feel your grace
It's times like these I know you're near me
You're always here... always here


© Crystal M.H. 2007

No "La la la la la la la" here!

Music is a powerful force. Such a simple thing, yet so complex. Nothing can move one's spirit and touch one's heart in the same ways that music can. The steadiness of the beat... rise and fall of the melody... the gripping harmony, whether heard out loud or in your head...

Each one of these parts alone may not be much, but they can be combined in such a way that they create a piece of art that can pierce through even the hardest of hearts. Maybe that's why I enjoy making it so much. Having the power to write something that can move a person's spirit and bring them closer to our Creator is a precious gift... and though it may be hard to believe, it's also so very humbling.

I enjoy many genres of music. Country is one of my favorites. (Don't throw tomatoes at me, please! ;o) I find much of it soulful, and a lot of it seems to deal with real emotions. So, yeah, some of it is just silly and can be questionable material... like tractors being sexy and giving beer to your horses... but I still enjoy it for the most part. I was always a daddy's girl growing up, so the songs about father/daughter relationships really get me. There's a song out right now titled, "I Loved Her First" that makes me cry at least every other time I hear it. :o) See? Music is powerful. If I were to just read the words I would probably think, "aww, gee, that's really sweet!" But combined with the rhythm, instruments, and soulful singing, it digs deeper and really grabs me.

Who can hear a real love song... I'm talking a real love song, not the pokey ones you hear in pop music now a days... and not feel something, whether it be longing for someone you miss or passion for someone you're with? Who can hear a song like The Star Spangled Banner and not feel at least a bit of pride in our country and the things people have been through and given up to make it what it is today? Who among the true church of the Lord can hear a song of worship... (and I mean real worship, not that "La la la la la la la" stuff that belongs more in children's church than it does in the sanctuary) and walk away with no more of the Creator than before you heard it?

Music is such a wonderful doorway into true worship. I think that's one of the reasons I love it so much. It is certainly my goal in writing music. I really don't write anything but worship music. I think I could if I really wanted to, but I feel that God gave me this gift to proclaim His glory... why would I even want to use it for anything but? Though sometimes I do forget all of this. I have a little fun learning to sing and play a new country song by Faith Hill or someone else I'd trade voices with anyday... and I play it until my fingers hurt. But I can't stop yet. Everytime I pick up the guitar, I end up playing my worship til my fingers scream. It's just so much a part of me, I come back to it every time. Even when I'm in the most stagnant of places, running from the Lord and His plans for me, filled with fear and doubt and anger... I'm drawn to the music with which He fills my soul. I have a few favorites I play a lot, but there are a couple that are more difficult for me to sing, so I don't go to them as often. Oh but when I do, I remember why they are worth the extra effort. Both of them are about being in the presence of the Lord (which is the main theme of a lot of my latest songs!) and I have a hard time singing the second verse of one of them. It's not musically difficult or anything like that (though the chorus is a little hard for my voice if it's not a vocally strong day for me) but to me the words are so powerful I really have a hard time catching my breath.

I'm not quite sure I understand what it feels like to truly be in the presence of God. I know people talk about it often, but I'm not sure I've experienced it in the ways that people usually talk about. But when I sing this song, I can almost feel His breath upon my skin, His power is so real to me at that moment. That's what I desire from my music. I want the power of God to be expressed through it in such a way that if the listener has their heart open to the Lord, they can't help but feel Him in it. I've always written my pieces, both poetry and music, with the heart of blessing others and worshiping the Lord. I can't tell you how precious it is to me when I learn that God has indeed accomplished that through me. It's truly surreal and a bit mind boggling. I definitely don't deserve to be used in such a way, and I must admit that I'm scared to learn of what all He plans for me regarding my music... but I guess for now it's just one step at a time. One song, verse, and note after another. Hopefully each one will bring me just a little closer to Him and maybe even someday bring Him just a little closer to you.

Beautiful You

This has been on my heart for quite some time, and I've started to write it several times in fact but I was never able to finish it until tonight.

A few years ago when Dustin and I were volunteers with our church's youth group, I was asked to speak at an all-girls sleepover. I was a bit taken aback... I'm not much of a public speaker, but I figured that if God wanted me to speak, He'd figure it out and make it work. I knew the theme of the night was supposed to be beauty and for a few days I spent a portion of my morning devotional time praying about this task and asking the Lord to impress upon me what He would have me say.

I loved the kids in our youth group... so many of them are wonderful young people with true hearts for the Lord. I really wanted to give these young women that night something they could walk away with and treasure forever, but I had no idea how to speak on beauty yet keep it completely Biblically centered. But God knew. He began to point out things in His Word that I had known and read previously, yet had never seen knit together in such a way, shining under this particular light.

I have always been fascinated with Old Testament history and how so much in those times was a foreshadow of things to come. This includes the Tabernacle. There is so much symbolism in the Tabernacle... every piece of it and every sacrifice performed in it perfectly represented the future of atonement for the Lord's people... Jesus. In preparing for this speaking engagement, God took me to Exodus and reminded me of His instructions for building His Tabernacle. A few things really stood out to me. For one, God was very specific in His blueprints. This was HIS tabernacle... the place where He was to dwell among His people. He didn't leave the designing to human hands... it was planned out down to each intricate detail in His very own infinitely perfect mind. Second, He commissioned skilled craftsmen to fashion His dwelling place. Shoddy work not allowed! Third, He required materials of high quality. Fine linens, solid gold (not plated!) and acacia wood... all things that point to quality and only the best artistry for our Father's Tabernacle. These things also represent beauty, which is the last point. The Tabernacle that our Lord designed as His very own dwelling place was made from beautiful materials! The place he planned in the depths of His mind and realized through the work of His people was a place of beauty. Our Lord is beauty. He designs beauty. He lives among beauty.

Because of the atonement of His precious Son, through that Son the Father now resides in His people instead of hovering over the mercy seat in the Holy of Holies in His tabernacle. Not unlike the Tabernacle in the Old Testament, this new dwelling place required specific instructions. He doesn't leave the design of His people to human hands... He fashions us Himself, and continues to mold us and refine us until we are vessels that hold all He has for us, reflecting His perfect glory.

He commissioned skilled craftsmen for His new dwelling place too... Himself! He's not only the designer but also the creator. Only God could have laid out the complexities of the blueprint of the human body, mind, and soul and then put those plans to fruition by His spoken Word as He created man in His very own image. The Master Craftsman of all craftsmen built and continues to build the place He chooses to dwell.

We, like the tabernacle of old, are also fashioned with only the best materials. Our bodies are so miraculously and wonderfully made. Who else but the Lord could have designed a body that is able to withstand what ours go through daily? Lungs that take in oxygen involuntarily, a heart that pumps blood second after second, even when we don't think about it. Skin that heals, livers & kidneys that purify, eyes that can see near and far, and even organs that are made to play a part in His awesome job of creating yet more life... more potential dwelling places. Only our Master Craftsman could build these tabernacles.

The last thing the Lord showed me in this analogy is that just like His Old Testament tabernacle, we are beautiful. He doesn't make ugly dwelling places! Big, small, short, tall, light, dark, polka dotted (that's me!)... we're all beautiful and even more so in the eyes of our Creator. We're made in His image, after all, as His children where He longs to abide. When He looks at us, he doesn't see our blemishes, inward or outward... He sees His beautiful, treasured creation and His beloved Son.

Lately I have seen so many women down on themselves physically (myself included.) Society has defined what is "beautiful" in such a way that no normal woman could ever be considered to be a beauty. People starve themselves, go under the knife, take an endless supply of pills, deprive themselves, pile on makeup, spend thousands on designer labels, try this cream and that, change the color of their hair, eyes and who knows what else... all for what? A type of beauty that even if attained is fleeting, when really all they need to do is reach out to their Creator and see the true beauty that they are as His creation and how much more they can be as they abide in Him and He abides in them.

The one other thing I remember from this study of mine is a scripture in Psalm 45. This particular passage is a wedding song. Because we are the bride of Christ, I can see a parallel. Whether or not it is an accurate assumption of the verse, I tend to believe we can see it as such. It says, "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." (NIV) I do think our King of kings is captivated by our beauty because our Beauty is Himself, His handiwork, and His image. What a comforting thing to know that He looks so far past what we see in the mirror and sees the Christ in us.

I was never able to present this message because the sleep over was cancelled. Even still, I know it was all destined to be. I gained a lot from the study and it has been in the back of my mind this entire time. I knew I would be able to share it with someone someday. I suppose that day has finally arrived. Now go ye therefore and be beautiful. :o)