Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"Finding myself at a loss for words..."

I can hardly believe it has been a week since I've "blogged." For a girl who usually has no trouble at all talking someone's ear off, I have had such a hard time trying to think of anything to talk about in the past several days. So I think perhaps I will just start "talking" and see where I end up.

First of all, I read back over my first few entries and I must say that sometimes I surprise myself. How in the world did I come up with some of this stuff? *laughs* Not that it isn't all true... it is... but I just don't know where it came from. Sometimes I sit back and go over music I wrote and have the same thoughts. It's almost like I'm reading or listening to words and music from someone else's tongue. If you know me in person, you know I'm not an eloquent speaker at all... quite the opposite, really. Often times, I fumble over my words and say the wrong words more than I say the correct ones.

When I take a deep breath and think of the calling I believe the Lord has on my life, I believe that I must feel much like Moses when he said to His God, "... I speak with faltering lips!" But not only do I speak with faltering lips, I sing with quivering voice! *wink*

How I would love to get away with just being a "behind the scenes" type person. I'll pen the words, you speak them! I'll write the music, you sing it! But will the Author of this music and these words grant me this simple request? Will He delight Himself in me as I sit back lounging in the hammock of my comfort zone? Or will he be like the mother eagle who pushes her young out of the safety, security, and coziness of the nest... knowing that her babies must endure that hardship so that their wings might strengthen, enabling them to fly? Something tells me that this baby birdie won't be allowed to stay in the warm, cozy nest forever. Well, in reality, it's more than just something... it's more like somethings. Not only do I believe it to be true of my own accord (which I admit to rather reluctantly) I am told this by others. It could be one of the reasons I have checked out of church for so long... people tried to push me too far too fast into doing things I'm too afraid and not ready or able to do at this time. Can't you just see me desperately hanging onto the edge by my little pinky toenail here?

Not only do I think the Lord is trying to push me out of my comfortable nest... He must also be trying to teach me patience! We put in an offer on a house almost a week ago, and we are still waiting to hear about it. It's more than a little frustrating. Honestly, I'm okay with either way it could go... but what I'm not okay with is the not knowing. *laughs* I want to know if I can start picking out colors and furniture and decorative items. What size and color fridge will I need to buy to match the existing appliances... when can I start packing up our stuff and moving it from this dreadful apartment!? Or if not that, can I at least know it's time to move on down to the next house? We are at a stand still, and I've never really been a "stand still" type of girl! I'm not sure if I need a Sharpie answer for this one... but the 2-Day Air Mail option sounds great right about now!

I think I will leave you with some words to a favorite song by MercyMe, "Word of God Speak" For some reason I find the words quite fitting for me tonight...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice


I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

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