After someone said something a little insensitive to me last week, I almost posted something along these lines then. But, I decided to cool off first and now that I'm "over it" I thought it would make for an interesting Thursday Thirteen. I realize that most people are just trying to be helpful, but I also think most of the time people don't think before they speak. Infertility is a touchy subject and is very painful, and you never know who is touched by it since it's not normally a visible problem. I have chosen to share some of our struggles, but many choose not to... and thanks to more than a handful of insensitive people, I now know why. So, in honor of those of us who spent mother's day wondering about and perhaps mourning over the unknown futures of our motherhood, here are:
Thirteen things you shouldn't say to people having trouble conceiving (or just to be safe... anyone, really...)*
1. "Have you considered adoption??" Personally, YES, we have considered adoption and I plan to adopt someday regardless of whether or not we have biological children. However, why is that anyone's business unless I choose to make it their business? Sometimes it takes a little while to grieve the children you may never have. You have to be ready in SO many ways to adopt... emotionally, financially, mentally... Don't assume someone hasn't considered it, and don't assume they SHOULD consider it. Ever. Not everyone can or wants to, and that's okay.
2. "Just relax!!" If stress was a main cause of infertility, half the population would not be here. Relaxing will not fix infertility. Taking a "fertility cruise" or other such nonsense will not miraculously cause your body to grow a child. Not to mention, it's virtually impossible to relax when you find out you can't get pregnant as easily as you think you should and there are a million and one things you have to think of, and you live your life in two week increments. This is one of the most insulting things people can suggest to someone struggling with this issue. If only it were that easy.
3. "Maybe it will happen if it's God's will..." For people who don't believe, it sounds crazy and downright mean. For those of us that do, it's just plain painful. Yes, I believe in the will of God and it's in His control. That, strangely, does not offer comfort. It really just reminds me of the fact that the Lord doesn't always truly give us the desires of our hearts (or at least not always in the ways we hoped and planned). Don't presume to know His will for my life, please. Thanks!
4. Any other Christian cliches, for that matter. "It's in His hands" "It will happen in His time" "Give it to Him" and on and on and on. I'm not a Christian cliche type of gal, obviously. If you want to offer religious comfort, pray with me and for me.
5. "Is your husband avoiding ______, ______, and ______? (Insert heat producing clothing items, activities, or possible fertility impairing consumables of your choice.)" Would you like to come over and make sure our house isn't baby-making-proof? And is it really your business what my husband wears under his pants?!
6. "My cousin's neighbor's aunt's dog sitter knew a woman who was having trouble conceiving her 3rd child and after nine long months of no luck, she tried ______ (Insert awkward, overly personal, didn't-want-to-know information here.) and she got pregnant! Have you tried that?" First, if you were pregnant with a successful pregnancy in any amount of time less than a year, you're not infertile and most people who really are don't want to hear your "advice". Be thrilled... it's not a club you want to join, believe me. Second, those who ARE infertile are usually obsessed with gaining information on the topic and have heard just about every "remedy" in the book (and off the books, even) and have probably tried them all at least 10 times, naively thinking that maybe... just maybe... they'll get lucky.
7. "If you would not have used birth control when you first got married, you wouldn't be having this problem now." I have no nice words to say about this one, and I hate birth control. It's nice how people that hardly know you love to diagnose your issues, whether they be physical or even supposedly spiritual. (As if God really punishes someone for using the evil hormonal pills by withholding the blessing of a child from them. Yes, people really believe this. I know... wow.)
8. "It might be because of your weight." or "Maybe if you just lose/gain xx pounds, that will help!" It doesn't matter if you're skinny or fat, people love to ask if your struggles are because of it, one way or another. Unless you're my doctor or nutritional counselor, just don't go there.
9."Some women just aren't cut out to be mothers." This one hasn't been said to me, yet, but to others. I'm going to have to stop writing about this one now, in case there are little eyes reading my blog.
10. "You should be thankful you don't have a baby yet. Once you have one, you won't be able to _____ anymore!" (Insert whatever thing you can think of that is supposedly more important than a child. Yeah, when it's put it THAT way it's not so easy to say, is it?) Sadly, this one is most often said by mothers. Tell you what... I'll trade you my sleeping late, still hot meal, extra money, nice house, and childless vacations for your baby. Sound like a good deal? Didn't think so. Remember that next time you try and use this to "encourage" a struggling woman. Most of us would give the world to have cold meals and sleepless nights because of a child.
11. "Just stop trying, and that's probably when it will happen." Riiiiight. Nope, sorry, didn't work.
12. "So when are you going to have kids/make me a grandma/make me an aunt/uncle/great grandma/cousin??" or "Why aren't you pregnant yet??" It's bad enough when this question is asked when you don't know the person's struggles... once again, it's a very personal issue that is only your business if I make it your business. But once you DO know and you STILL ASK? Wow.
13. "HAVE YOU SEEN A DR???" Not everyone wants endless medical testing and expensive treatments that can promise nothing. Some choose the medical path, and that's fine. Others choose a more natural one, and that's fine too. Not everyone can afford medical intervention, and not everyone wants it. It doesn't mean one of us wants a baby more, or that she hurts less than the next woman. But don't ask. It's just rude.
So what CAN I say, you ask? In most cases, there's not much to say at all. Unless you've been there and honestly know what it's like, it's normally best to just support us with prayers, a shoulder to cry on, a voice to scream with, a passage of the Word that offers hope and encouragement, and (for those of us who don't mind it) hugs. People who offer their prayers and I KNOW they are really praying from the depths of their hearts bless me the most. Ask us what you can do to help, and most importantly, just be there when we need you.
*This is not directed at any one person.
If you have said these things to me or anyone else, just check yourself and move on with a resolution to do better next time. For those of you who are my close friends and closest relatives, you know that you are exempt from (some of) this list.
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Posts
