Monday, April 02, 2007

Thank God it's Monday?

Strange title, I know, but this weekend has been pretty tough and I can honestly say I'm a little glad to see it go. First of all, it rained all weekend. Rain is good, but it always depresses me a bit. Plus, it made us have to push back our pest control guy from spraying our yard for fleas! We've had a few fleas pop up on our little furbabies since we fostered that fluffy puff marshmallow a couple months ago and I.Do.Not.Like.Fleas.

I spent most of Saturday and some of Sunday cleaning out our (fully converted) garage. As I was cleaning and consolidating some boxes, I realized that at some point in time, one of the far corners - outside wall - had gotten water on it. Naturally I freak out and even more naturally my husband tries to calm me down. I called our water detective (aka "Dad") and he helped us try to figure it out. So far, we think it could be from a wall unit air conditioner (which does not get used often - right now, the "garage" is basically our storage room), our standing freezer, or from the outside. After a couple of experiments, we're thinking it is probably not coming in from outside, but we're not completely sure yet. *sigh* Talk about stress. Now I want to start knocking down the walls and checking for mold. Can we say over-reacting?

Friday and Sunday I was reminded yet again how much of a failure I am as a woman as the single lines on my HPTs glared back at me, taunting me. Such evil things, those single lines are. Three weeks ago I was ready to abandon all hope of ever having a child of my own blood (I want to adopt someday whether I ever give birth or not) then hope started to creep back in. I'm not so sure that hope is a good thing since the higher your hopes are, the more it hurts when they come crashing down on you. You know you've been trying to conceive for too long when you're sitting in the middle of a restaurant and a couple with a young son and teeny tiny newborn sit next to you and you spend the rest of your visit there trying not to bawl.

Sunday I found out that my grandmother is back in the hospital - this time with a blood infection. An infection which would otherwise not be that big of a deal for a healthy person got into her blood and became serious since her immune system is compromised due to the chemo she has been on. Please keep her (Jane) in your prayers. I also found out today that a friend/former co-worker's mother was in a pretty serious car accident. Thankfully she walked away from it with just some broken ribs and a few other injuries, but had there been someone in the passenger seat, that person may not have survived. My friend's young daughter was almost in that passenger seat! Thank the Lord for mother's intuition (or in this case, I think the Holy Spirit).

So I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm worried (and of course a little thankful) and I'm very glad that tomorrow is a new day. Let's just hope that the new day brings better news.


Kim said...

Crystal, you are not, I repeat, NOT a failure because of your troubles conceiving. In fact, I view you as one of the strongest women I know. You inspire me every week with your beautiful posts about marriage and the way you lift up your husband and your faith in the Lord is beautiful to behold. I'm not going to offer an answer as to why He has chosen you for this trial and struggle - that would be insensitive. But I know one thing: this trial is for His purposes, regardless if we understand them or not. That doesn't make the pain go away, or even get better, but I do pray that you will find peace in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows and understands and will comfort you.

Amber said...

((Crystal)) Praying for your grandma, your friend, and you. You know I totally understand your IF journey, as I'm right there with you. I'm so sorry for the BFN's. I know, too, how it is with getting your hopes up every month, even when you tell yourself you're not going to. I do it all the time.
Have you ever read a book called "When the Cradle is Empty"? Last night, a friend who went thru IF gave me that book and I have started on it. It's (so far) a really great book. If you have not read it, I would be happy to let you borrow it when I'm done.

Kristin said...

Crystal, I am crying with you and praying for you. My husband finds it hard to believe that I am so touched by the struggles of a woman I've never met! But it's true, you are in my daily prayers and I will be celebrating right along with you the day you finally get your baby....whether of your body or of adoption. You aren't a failure, you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever "known". I'm still praying for your grandma too!

Krissy said...

I'm so sorry for your awful weekend. We've had a lot going on lately, too. You are in my prayers!

eph2810 said...

Yes, today is a new day and His mercies endure forever. It is always great to have a fresh start after a heart-breaking weekend. I pray that your Monday is much better and your week will be awesome.

Blessings to you and yours.