Sunday, November 04, 2007

Letting the cat out of the bag

My husband and I found out late this summer that we cannot have children. Until yesterday, it was sort of semi-private information. My parents have known for a while, but other than that and telling a very few close friends, not many others knew. I think I sort of let it slip once online, but that's it. This is one big reason why I have backed off with my blogging somewhat. It's a huge part of what is on my mind, and I was afraid of saying too much too soon.

Until yesterday, my husband's family didn't even know. I was waiting for him to be ready to tell them, since they're his family and all. It took him a lot longer to process this than it did me, since after two years of infertility, I had already begun to prepare myself for this possibility. Anyway, I didn't want to really talk about it too much until all the close family members knew. That's not really knowledge you want to get around to them in a round about way, you know? Plus, they live very far away and this is difficult information to share over the phone. Unfortunately, we're not sure when we will be able to visit them. (I'm skeered of flying, you know!)

But yesterday he told them, and now it's out in the open and we're ready to share that we're very, very close to starting the adoption process. We have been considering a lot of options over the past few months and so far, the ones that seem most attractive to us are a local foster to adopt program through Lutheran Services (yes, we're one of those horrible couples that want an infant for our first child and they SAY they have many infants adopted through that program, so we'll see), a program through an agency in our state that adopts African American multi-ethnic babies (sadly, not many people want them, and I simply do.not.get.that.), and an international adoption from S. Korea. My husband spent a year there while he was in the military and is familiar with their culture and would love to go back and visit someday. He says they have really good food and you have not lived until you have eaten their spicy bulgoki and yakimandu. *giggle*

This has, without a doubt, been the most frustrating and hardest year of my life. Never before have I experienced so much heartache and pain. Infertility is hard enough, but finding out that the infertility is permanent is not something that is easily accepted. I feel like a very vital part of my being has been ripped from me... that a part of the reason I exist has died. I've been accused of being bitter and angry, and I freely admit that heck YES I am angry and bitter. But at least I am humble enough to realize that those are very valid emotions, and I accept them and continue to work through them. I don't know anyone that is strong enough or holy enough to go through what we've been through and still be able to keep their happiness and joy 24/7. Being a Christian does not exclude me from feeling real emotions. I'm okay with that, and I thank God He is too. All the accusers can think badly of me if they want - their opinions simply do not matter to me. Or to God. I'm so glad my God is a God of grace and patience. Have you met Him? *grin*

So, anyway. There you have it. If you don't know the reason why, that's because we haven't told you and probably never will, so please do not ask. :) Feel free, however, to ask about our new journey as we begin it. I'm sure it will be long and frustrating, terrifying and wonderful (not to mention one of the most expensive commitments we will have ever made) and I know I'll need a lot of support during that time. I've found some amazing people that have been there, done that, who will hopefully prove to be a rich source of information for us.

It's hard. It sucks. It's something no one can fully prepare for. But it's ours and as such, we have begun to learn to accept it. We are surviving, and our marriage is strong (for which we are extremely thankful since many do not make it through this kind of hardship). We are ready to move on to the next phase in our lives. I'm hopeful that by this time next year we might just be parents, or at least close to it. Who cares that the child will not come from my womb?

I'm okay with that, and I will still be just as much of a mother as anyone else. Without a doubt, whatever child we adopt will know that he or she was much wanted and loved for years before it was even born. Sounds nice a nice way to enter the world, doesn't it? *grin*


Heidi @ GGIP said...

"Being a Christian does not exclude me from feeling real emotions."

Amen to that! As you might have noticed, I have struggled with this misunderstanding as well.

"Without a doubt, whatever child we adopt will know that he or she was much wanted and loved for years before it was even born. Sounds nice a nice way to enter the world, doesn't it? *grin*"

I wish you a lot of luck with your journey. If I knew all the words to the Irish blessing, I would write that. I think you are right that this infertility is a loss to be mourned--it seems so completely unfair, but wanting and adopting a child has always seemed to be such a wonderful, beautiful thing to me. A hard thing too. I have read a few adoption blogs and I hope that blogging through it will help you and your husband find the support that you need.

PS, I don't think that wanting a baby is a bad thing.

Stacy said...

I'm glad to hear that you two are ready to start your adoption journey- there are SO many kids out there who need someone to love them. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with wanting to adopt a baby.

Shannon said...

I've been praying for both of you for a long time, and I'm excited about what's in store for you! I'm so grateful God had carried you through this and I know He will continue to do so. I'll never understand why life is so stinkin unfair, but I'm glad you're a little closer to being a mama. Wanting an infant is not a bad thing at all. I know God often gives us desires that He wants us to have, so there is a reason you're longing for that baby. Hugs, my friend.

Kim said...

Crystal - your strength in hardship never ceases to amaze me. You are such a beautiful and Godly woman and wife and will make a wonderful mother, regardless of whether or not the child is biologically yours! (After all, Jesus kinda re-defined family, didn't he??) I will be praying for you and your husband as you start this new journey together. I'm so excited for you!!

Thanks for letting us know and updating us blog readers ... I appreciate it =)

Bethany said...

Best wishes as you embark on this new journey!! It's exciting and wonderful and I can't wait to read about your experiences as you head down this road. All the best!!


Crystal said...

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and support. It means a lot to me!! :)

Krissy said...

Crystal - my heart does break for you but is rejoicing that you are considering adoption - what a beautiful thing to be able to give a child a home. To adopt a child just as God Himself adopted us to be in His family. And my how God loves us!! My husband and I both have the desire to adopt and hope that some day soon God will allow us the ability to do so. I hope you and your husband will be able to plug into a community around you (if you are not already) to help you through the months and decisions ahead - people to celebrate with you, bring you meals, offer advice if needed, throw a shower..... God bless you, Crystal, with clarity in the decision-making process, with finances to make this happen, with time to get all the paperwork completed, with strength and perseverence as you wait on the Lord.

Jessica Morris said...

I admire you too Crystal :) And WOW!! Adoption! I am already giddy with excitement for you at that thought... and don't at all think it is horrid that you want an infant!!

Will be praying for you guys!

Amber said...

((hugs)) Thanks for sharing that. I can only imagine the difficult, painful time you've had coming to terms with things.
But WOW--I think it's sooooo COOL that you are going to adopt!!! Good for you! That is really neat. I can't wait to hear about your journey, and "meet" your future child. :-) You will be in my prayers.

Jeanie said...

"It's hard. It sucks. It's something no one can fully prepare for. But it's ours and as such, we have begun to learn to accept it."

Hi, Crystal. This statement of yours reminds me of a quote from Corrie ten Boom, whose family was locked up during World War II for hiding/helping Jewish people to get free. She said she got tired of telling the same story all the time (about her life in a concentration camp) and then she one day accepted it that this was HER story, and the Lord had given it to HER to tell.

It takes tremendous faith and shows tremendous growth to go through what you and your husband have been through and be able to say it's our story, it's sucks, but we're accepting it.

I am lucky to know you.


Kristin said...


I am so glad to hear that you are starting your adoption journey. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers. I know you will be a wonderful mother someday...and I look forward to watching how that unfolds for you.

Thanks, so much, for sharing.

Suzi said...

Your strength and perseverance is impressive. There's a baby waiting for you and your future son or daughter will be so very blessed.

Living Beyond said...

Hi lady,

I wish I could just give you a hug. I too am a lady without children and only the Lord knows why. I can only share with you part of my jounrey and it has not been easy, although many think it doesn't bother me and for the most part I can deal with it, over time God has helped me. It's been 13 years!! Just recently I was at a baby shower - and please believe I am totally thrilled for these ladies, but on the way home I just cried - it all came back again - why can one lady have four and I can't have one? I felt lead to pull over and read my Bible for a response from the Lord. He lead me to a Psalm that spoke of the complaining of the Isrealites, I did not feel rebuked by the Lord as I read the Psalm but I did hear Him gently say "Please stop complaining - will you trust me even if I never tell you why" I sobbed and told Him yes. It is hard, people don't understand BUT God does. Only God knows your days and the plans that He has for you and the blessing He will bring you through your adoptive child. Keep me posted on the journey.

Much love from a lady who truly understands the emotional roller coaster.

Anonymous said...

You do not know me, but I have stumbled onto your Blog. I too know Jesus and look forward to the time we will all be in heaven some day .
I want to share two blogs for you to look at. One belongs to my friends, Darren and Shona who adopted in April from the Ukraine, their beautiful little girl, Ivanna. God planned this so well as you will see. Darren's brother had been in Russia on missions and was able to help them with language and cultural barriers. And it is no mistake that Ivanna looks so much like her choosen Mom, Shona.

I had also surfed in Blog world and found this adoption of Sophie Lu from China. I have home stay ESL students. My current student, from China, recognized the place Sophie Lu is from and was happy that she has a good home in the United States. The family has also gone on to adopt a boy from Guatemala.
God is good and has a plan for you. Trust Him, he will provide.

Brenda in Canada