In Other Words - Oh Me of Little Faith

"We are urgent about the body; He is about the soul. We call for present comforts; He considers our everlasting rest. And therefore when He sends not the very things we ask, He hears us by sending greater than we can ask or think." ~ Richard Cecil

I can be quite short sighted. Often times, I can't even see past my own nose. My rotten circumstances and the things I desperately want and feel I have a right to gain are surefire ways of clouding my vision. Lately though, I've been forced (quite against my own will, I might add) to gain some perspective. You see, I don't really like gaining perspective all that much because it almost always means stepping out of my box, moving on, and putting up with pain. These are not things I relish doing! However, in dealing with deep unfulfilled desires for the past year and a half (which has undoubtedly pushed me out of my box, given me little to no choice but to move on, and dealt me lots of pain) I've come to realize that my faith isn't what I thought it was. I'd love to be one of those women who say, "My faith is what gets me up every morning." but if I said that, I think it would only be a half truth. My faith keeps me hoping for more faith and keeps that still, quiet knowledge in my soul that things will be okay, no matter what... but really, the only thing that gets me through each day is just the fact that I have no other choice.

A lot of people lose their faith over things like this. That thought both saddens me and terrifies me. Really, a situation such as I'm in can turn out to be such a defining moment for a human being. It not only brings to the surface who they really are (and are not), it's also impossible to walk away from unchanged. I wonder very often why God has put me here and what I'm supposed to be doing with it. I don't think that losing my faith is the right answer, *lol*, and I don't think it's the final answer I'll find at the end of the road. At the moment, my faith isn't what I thought it was, and it's definitely not what I want it to be, and it has been damaged... but I don't believe that is my endgame. God hasn't given me 26 years of a life with Himself to let me fall off the wagon completely. He hasn't brought me up from the lowest of lows only to see me be destroyed.

My faith in Him should be more desirable and precious than anything else. Nothing is worth losing that faith. A few years ago when I had no hope, He taught me that He'll never give up on me. When I was sure He couldn't love me, He showed me but a tiny glimpse of what His unconditional love really means. I wonder if now, through my lack of faith that has been made apparent as I wake up each day to unanswered prayers and shattered dreams, He is trying to teach me what faith is truly supposed to be. Or maybe I'm just over analyzing my short stick. ;o) Either way, let's hope that this unanswered prayer does do some good someday, somehow.