Deep Thoughts

I had a realization the other day. Without going into details, our infertility is a little complicated. It's not something we fully understand. In talking to the doctor, I think she was surprised to know that at this point I'm not sure I care anymore. For the first time in a long time, it feels like we're on the right track here. I want our soon to be adopted baby. I love it already. It's probably not even conceived, and I already love it. I have no idea what it will look like, where it will come from, what nationality it will be... but it's mine and I am attached. There is no way I want to give it up, even if it meant we could have a biological child in its place. This kid is already mine. It just doesn't know it yet and will be renting a place to live for 9 months until it finds its forever home.

Getting pregnant is just simply not important to me anymore. At all. Which is a huge deal for me because I was in love with the idea for so long. Don't get me wrong. If God decided to perform a miracle (which is what it would take - an honest to God true 100% miracle - not what some people call a miracle either - we're talking water into wine/healing the blind type thing here) I'm sure I would be thrilled. But I just don't care. I'm actually thrilled now that I won't be pregnant. No stretch marks. No morning sickness. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Not that I think those things aren't worth the prize at the end... but our adoption journey has a grand prize too that is just as worthy and to be honest, to me, a little more special in a way. This journey is hard. But I know it's meant for us. There are still things that could fall through and stop this particular leg of our journey, but even if that happens, I know the journey will be completed somehow because... well... I just know. I bought a crib, after all, and it has to be filled somehow.

The hardest part of this ordeal is the total and utter lack of control I have over certain things. I will have no say what happens to our baby during and right after birth. I also do not have the option of breastfeeding. Sure, adoptive mothers can do it, but it's not something I am willing to try at this point because I do not feel it would be healthy for me since I already struggle in the weight department. I'm sure many people will think less of me for not trying, but oh well. This is something I've put a lot of thought into and I just know that at this point, for this adoption, I need to give up that dream and do the best I can otherwise. Perhaps if we adopt again, I will try it.

These are the things I struggle the most with right now... stuff I can't control. I'm a control freak, and it drives me nuts. Two years ago I had very strong feelings as to what would happen to my child during and after birth and how my child would be fed. It's almost funny now (if not frustrating) to realize how sometimes God throws you curve balls and what you previously knew to be best is not so much anymore.