Taking that first step

Is it me, or is the first step always the hardest?

It has been months since we decided we are going to adopt. For months, we agonized over the decision. Not the decision of doing it, but the decision on how, when, and where. It's not cheap, you know. It's a HUGE thing. It won't be easy. There are so many different options as well. All these months we didn't know what to do or what choice was the best.

We went back and forth over a few options. We considered the foster to adopt program. We considered a program in an African country. We thought about a program that adopts only biracial and multi-ethnic children. We looked into S. Korea. None of them seemed right, so we just sat on it. Our talks about it got us nowhere fast.

One morning almost two weeks ago in about five minutes flat, we made our decision. We realized that what we both wanted was the same thing, but we had both been too afraid of it for various reasons. The next step was to decide on an agency. It practically fell into our laps, and that decision was made later that afternoon.

The pre-screening application was sent in two days later.

We will find out by March 14th whether or not we are accepted into this program. If we are, then our journey towards parenthood just might start its last leg. The agency person we spoke to said she's pretty sure we'll get in, but I'm very apprehensive because it was TOO EASY. Nothing in my life is easy. This, literally, was like 1, 2, 3. Either God's hand was in it, or everything that happened in the past couple of weeks was just a weird coincidence. I guess we'll find out soon enough. Either way, I'm sure the rest of the journey will be very hard.

I've been debating with myself for a week now on whether or not I would blog about this before March 14th. I almost didn't, but then I figured we could use all the prayer we could get as soon as we could get it.

So there you go. We could be parents by the end of the year. I'm honestly not sure what is more scary to me. The fact that it could fall through at any moment and prove to not be God's plan, or the fact that it COULD be really happening and we'll actually end up with a child.

I've never felt such a huge mixture of emotions right now. Half of me wants to run for dear life, but the other half of me has never felt such peace. That first step was so easy, but yet so very hard.