Thursday Thirteen #11

Thirteen things I do not want to meet in a dark alley. Or anywhere, really.

1. Spider of death! Ok, so it's just a spiny orb weaver... but umm, any spider that has spikes on its bum is just SCREAMING to leave it the yahoo alone. I think I'll do just that, thank you!

2. Capybara, better known as giant rodents. I had guinea pigs growing up, and they squealed bloody murder. Can you imagine a 150 lb giant guinea pig squealing? Scary.

3. Neon Yellow Sssssslithering ssssssnake. I don't care what good pets you might think they make, pythons are not a girl's best friend. Oh look... this one looks like he just swallowed my favorite pair of Manolo Blahniks.

4. Giant amazon centipede. As if the little tiny ones that make me cry weren't enough, God saw fit to make giant ones.

5. Ugly dog. Another ugly dog. But wait, there's a bonus ugly dog! There really are no words...

6. Pink fluff. Actually, it's not the pink fluff that would creep me out so much, but rather the person who thought this was a good idea.

7. This thing that I'm guessing meows. Again, there are no words...

8. The King. *shudders*

9. The shrimploborpian*. Why? WHY would someone willingly pick that up??
*(Special kudos to my friend Erin's husband, Andrew, for the "shrimploborpain" name. No creepy crustaceans were harmed in the naming of this bizarre freak of nature.)

10. Creepy Scary Alien Fish Gang. Viper: apprehended for pushing illegal krill in the local fish schools. Currently serving a life sentence. Dragon: presently being held for attempting to steal the identity of the well known life form from another planet movie star, and conspiring to use that identity to find and tourment Sigourney Weaver until she agrees to make another Alien movie. Please, Dragon, enough already. Suspect X: the fish formerly known as Astronesthes (must be said with jazz hands). His only crime was being born with a weird name. Last but not least, our ring leader... Ever M: still at large, Ever M. is wanted on 9 counts of finned robbery, 3 counts of potential mercury poisoning incidents, and over 20 counts of causing women and children to scream, "MY WORD, WHAT IS THAT THING?" Ever M. is a violent criminal. If you see him swimming down your block, DO NOT attempt to approach him. Instead, dial your nearest Red Lobster for proper catching, filleting and serving. Rest assured fine citizen - justice will be served (and hopefully with a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits).

11. Rolly polly of death! Seriously, if you saw a potato bug that big, wouldn't you freak out a little?!

12. Big nosed sad nasty blob thing. I think it's supposed to be a fish, but can one really know? It looks pretty slimy, and what the sam hill is hanging from its mouth??

13. Finally... the creepiest most terrifying thing God has ever put on our planet. Admit it, you know you laughed. Or fainted. Maybe even cried a little. Either way, you know I'm right.